Adam Mikhail

At 5.30am, 25 May 2016, my water broke. After days of threatening my boss that I will go into labor early, it's finally happening. It was supposed to be my normal check up but I suppose the baby decided to come out a bit earlier than expected. Whatever it is, I have been bugging Khairi with the same question, "Bila Adam nak keluaq ni?" at a rate of 3 times a day at that point and I was equally happy and nervous. After waking him up to tell that it's finally happening, we just lay there for a while, digesting the fact that we're gonna see the baby soon. There will no more be the two of us, there will be three. 

Giddy Mommy and Daddy!

People told me that I didn't really look pregnant coz my tummy is not bloated, but whatever. As long as the baby is healthy, I'm okay. At least it wouldn't be hard for me to shed those baby pounds. Yeay hot bod!....notttt.

Chik tu nak tayang perut flat ja. Compare dengan orang nak p beranak satgi nun. Ceh.

Giddy Tok and Awan

So we went to the hospital that morning and it turned out that the baby didn't want to come out just yet. So I had to spend the night there but it was okay...at first. I'm sure the other mommies-to-be there hated me for laughing and making jokes with Khairi and my sisters and Mak Abah, coz I didn't feel a thing....yet. And then it was 7pm, and the mild contraction started. It was a little like period pain but it grew stronger as the time passed. I was awake the whole night and it was pouring outside with strong wind and lightning and stuff; announcing the birth of little Adam. Hahahah drama sangat kauuuu Adam. I paced around the ward the whole night, I couldn't get any sleep, I couldn't do anything. At 6am, that path has opened just enough for me to enter the labor room. I didn't hesitate one bit. I ate a few kurma and a mug of Milo, and I (thought I) was all set. It was 7am.

A few hours after that, still nothing. The progress was slow. I was tossing and turning on the bed and the contractions, urgh, the contractions were fiercely painful. Thank god for the invention of metal bedposts. There's nothing you can do but bear the pain when it comes and wait for it to pass. I was given the happy gas, but I didn't think it helped one bit. The nurses gave me a jab but I didn't think it helped either. The pain was unbearable. Khairi came in to check on me at around 12 noon, and I barely remember it. I was on gas and I think I looked like Helena Bonham Carter as Bellatrix Lestrange. He better love me still!

At around 4pm, I suddenly feel to urge to push. Thank God, it was time. Khairi came in and helped me through it all. It was long. I was in there bearing the pain from 6am till 4pm, with no food, just drips, and I was exhausted. I didn't have any energy and it was a long labor. During the labor, wild imaginations got to me. I imagined, what happens if the baby didn't make it coz I didn't have enough energy, what was I going to answer to my family? It was almost 45 minutes, and finally the baby was out. Too bad his Daddy couldn't be there coz the doctors were about to make a procedure and they had to ask Khairi to leave.When the baby came out, he didn't cry. He didn't have enough oxygen. They placed the baby on my belly while they cut off his umbilical cord. I turned my face away, I couldn't look at him. I'm scared that he was not breathing. When they asked me to confirm his gender, I didn't even get to see his face. They took him away to give him oxygen and cleaned him up. A few moments later I think I heard him cry, a soft, slow cry. I suppose he was a bit weak, and so was I. Moments after that, I dozed off, exhausted. When I woke up, it was already 6.30pm. I called the nurses to help me up and I wanted to see the baby and my family, I wanted to  go out. But the baby was already in NICU and I knew my family was waiting outside for me. I switched on my phone (typical Gen Y) and saw lots of messages streaming in. It was amazing and touching to see those messages, asking me how it went. You know la kan, dah jadi Mommy ni semua benda nak touching kan. Hahahah feeling sangat.

The nurse pushed me on the wheelchair and I was grinning and beaming all the way. Mak said that I didn't look like I just gave birth. Hahah! I had less than 5 minutes to spend with my family before I was asked to enter the ward. Oh so sad. They waited for me for more than 12 hours and I only got to see them for 5 minutes. Sedih lagi. Feeling lagi! But it was okay. Everybody was relieved that everything was okay. Alhamdulillah. At 11pm, Khairi came back to the hospital after I buat muka kesian and begged the nurse to let me see the baby. The nurses were okay with it, maybe they knew we were first time parents and are still so giddy giddy hahah. So there we were, 11pm and he was pushing me in the wheelchair to see our baby! While pushing, he told me that the baby had one "defect". I was like, "Oi! Wrong choice of word to describe a newborn yang I tak tengok lagi muka dia dari tadi OMG". Dramatic, remember? It turns out that the baby's ear is a bit like his Daddy's; tikuih gerit. But rasanya as he grows, telinga dia rounded macam normal la. Lol. 

So there he was! My Adam! Oh so small, lying in the incubator. His breathing was fast, I could see his chest moving rapidly. I couldn't see his face, though. I was only able to touch his little fingers, and his soft jet black hair. But I was content. Cukup lah dapat pegang sikit-sikit pun takpa. I think I smiled (and snored) in my sleep the whole night. You see, I'm the only one who doesn't have the baby with me in the ward coz Adam was in the NICU. So my sleep was uninterrupted, unlike all the other mothers. I guess it was my cheat day, one last cheat day of sleeping through the night. Teeeheee~

Adam's first photo!

The next morning, we went to see baby Adam again. It was 11am. It was feeding time. (macam zoo pulak). It turns out that he was fasting the whole night. Haih kesiannn lahir-lahir dah kena puasa. The feeling when I first touched him? Still so surreal. Can't imagine he was inside me the day before. Luls. Bimbo.

Trying to wake him for his feed

Excited Mommy and Daddy!

Seronok main wheelchair. Luls

Baru lepas mandi. Muka sembap (?) Muka kacau dia tidoq.

Bundle of joy

Kuning. Kena duduk bawah lampu. Dah la kuruih. Sedih! #DramaticMommy

Going home OOTD

100th Day

Bismillah..
It is our 100th day of being married. Such a short time frame, but I feel like we are stronger than ever.
I might be senile sometimes but I still remember that day, I still remember every vivid moment. I woke up early in the morning, thinking "Hey, I'm getting married today". Truth be told, I did not feel anything. I mean, I wasn't nervous, no butterflies came buzzing, I wasn't feeling the need to cry, I didn't know how I should feel. All I know is I won't be able to sleep across the bed anymore, in whichever direction and hideous position that I want, lol.

Despite all the feelingless façade, a part of me was freaked out that you would not turn up, mostly because I was imagining that something bad might happen to you along the way like a car accident or something. That certainly topped my fear of you getting cold feet and thinking "No, I don't want to marry this woman" or "What was I thinking?!" or "This is no trophy wife, ditch her!". I'm a woman, I overthink, deal with it. But all those nasty fears simply fade away when I saw your face when you stepped into the house. The glimpse of your somewhat familiar smile somehow calmed me down.

You see, when I was a little girl, I never really imagined how my wedding day would look like. I never set any expectations, scared that I might be disappointed. I never had any specific color I'm gonna wear, I don't have a specific theme in mind, I didn't let my imagination wander off that far. All I know is I want my future husband to wear that white baju melayu handsomely, and you did it perfectly. All my life, there is only one person who pops into my head when I come across the word "segak", and that is Abah in baju melayu. And now, I have another face that brings significance to that word.

I still remember, I was peeking through the holed-bricks to catch a glimpse of you. And there you were, smiling widely with no apparent nervousness.  

That sight calmed me down a bit, but only just a bit. The gelabah shit came back when Tok Imam arrived and they called me out. I know I wasn't graceful when I came out, I sat down sloppily but heck, all eyes were on me! If it weren't for the bimbs, I would have melted into the pillow. Thanks Bimbs!

Alhamdulillah, everything went smoothly. I was more than happy that it was Abah who gave me away, and when you said the Akad, I couldn't look at you. I was too nervous. When they nodded their "Sah", hundreds of mixed feelings washed over me. Alhamdulillah. 

It has been 100 days. So many things have happened. All the tests came almost right away. You had to take care of me when I fell sick on our honeymoon. You wiped those phlegm that came out of my eyes (lol) without any signs of disgust, you drove me back and forth to the clinic in the middle of the night while I snored ungracefully next to you. Such drama, I know. We have been through so much during this short time together and I cannot imagine a day spent without you. I don't care what Ed Sheeran says, but as cheezy as it may sound, I hope we will be together till the end of time. Amiinn.

The Perks of Working Together

People think I'm crazy for taking up this opportunity, to jump from one company to another in less than a year. I wasn't really sure myself but hey, things always happen for a reason, don't they?

I leaped from something comfortable into a world of chaos. I switched my mindset from taking things slow to meeting rigid deadlines. I've got to change totally, not knowing how to apply my 8-months-experience in this new place. It all seemed so new and yet so beneficial.

If I had stayed and rejected this offer, I don't know what I can offer to the world in, say, 2 or 3 years time. I won't be able to survive in this industry if I started with a comfortable position.

I went into the new company with a very positive mindset. I've got to stay optimistic, if not for other people, I did it for myself. I need all the motivation and positive circles around me. And up till this day, I honestly haven't regretted making that bold decision back then. Life is tough now, so much to learn, so many things to absorb, so little time. But it's a place where you can learn a lot, It is definitely a field of knowledge. It's where you really do something and people recognize it and appreciate it. It's the "Thanks!" and "Good job!" that count. (Notice the positiveness?)

So, speaking of perks, I'm working in the same company as he is currently serving his soul to. Being a self-proclaimed optimist, I am actually enjoying myself over here.

The best part is:-
* Evidently, I get to see him more often! Yeay!
* I like the quick glances and smiles that we exchange everyday despite constantly being on our feet.
* I like having a comfortable lunch partner without the need to pretend to be interested in some boring conversation about kids and vomits and husbands.
* We can vent and rant about colleagues and workloads and totally relate to them.
* We can share about our crushes at work; that tall guy that I like and that cute girl that he's checking out. And yeah, compare who's is hotter.

* I love it when sometimes he notices something about me that I wasn't aware of like, "Kenapa macam sedih ja?" or "Kat mana? Tak nampak pun?". Aaaaaahhh I know, stupid simple things and boom! Butterfliesssss!

* I love it when he knows something is wrong and when I'm miserable at work and when he is willing to let me cry my heart out over dinner while listening to me lament about this person and that person and this stupid task and that overdue project and all. 

Okay honestly, I really don't know the point of this post but it has been a while, so..

All I'm saying is, this post is so full of positivity that I wanna puke. 

But all in all, work is tough now and it gets frustrating at times, but he makes it easier and bearable each day. Thanks, luv.

Why not?

Now that I am working, there are so many things that I want to buy. During the first month of being an engineer, I started house-hunting. I mean, why not? I have recently graduated from university so why not graduate from my parents’ house altogether? It must be great to have my own place. I’ve read somewhere that you should try and live by yourself before turning 25. I think it is such an achievement to have a place of your own. I’ve been very dependent on my parents all this while. Being the youngest does not really help either. I could if I want to but perhaps I should enjoy my money first before starting a new debt. It is a huge investment for a fresh graduate like yours truly (I still can’t bring myself to think that I am a member of the society. I still think of myself as a student, well, ex-student). Then I started to look at new cars. I mean, why not? It’s about time that I change to a new car. The mechanic in Perak already knew me all too well and the one here already profited thousands of ringgit from us anyway. After all, I have my savings (thanks to Abah) if I really want to buy a new ride, I’m not buying a house just yet, and I’m not getting married anytime soon so I can always topup the money along the way. So yeah, why not? I won’t choose something that is over my budget or anything. I would choose something that will not burden me in the long run in terms of fuel, monthly installments and servicing. But I know it’s hard for me to buy a new one. Abah is such a hurdle to overcome. Okay moving on. So then I started browsing on WOU and I thought, why not? After all, engineering was never my first choice a few years back. So why not try something that I’m really interested in? I already have that Degree, it is like a license for me to continue in something else? Oh well, one can only dream.

So yeah, my mind is fickle like that. Before this I am restricted in doing so many things since I am a student and still too young and all. But now that I am all grown up and working, why not?

 

My heart goes out to the families of MH370's passengers and crews.

It’s a sad day, a very sad day indeed. I woke up today with a heavy heart, thinking about what the families of the crews and passengers feel when they wake up today, that is if they can sleep. I drove to work feeling somber, accompanied by the melancholic songs played by all the radio stations to mark that the whole nation is grieving together. You know how people say that songs can alleviate or change your mood. But today’s list of songs just gave me chills down the spine. It’s amazing how all the lyrics can fit into this situation like a glove. All the songs are about losing someone, about how sorry they are for not being there, about the last smiles and laughters they shared, and about giving up. If I, the person who is not directly related to the victims, can have these mixed emotions and sadness wash all over me, I can only imagine how the family members really feel.

After days of endless questions and doubts, hopes and fears, we have reached to this fearful end. I don’t even know if we can call this “the end” because no definite evidences have been found. It’s all algorithms and technologies and assumptions. I don’t blame the search and rescue team, though. They have definitely done their very best, no doubt at that. If I were one of the family members, I would accept this fate that God has arranged. But I would want answers, real and concrete answers. I mean, sure, we can conclude that it crashed in the Southern Indian Sea, but how? I’m no aviation geek (like some of us have been these past few weeks), but I think if the black box is discovered, it would be such a revelation. We can stop all these cruel assumptions and theories and speculations about what happened to the aircraft. We can put the families and friends at ease by giving them proper closure.

However, despite all the sadness and the grieving, it is amazing how vast the difference is between the reactions of the families when they received the news. Some were enraged, blaming the authorities, claiming that they were hiding information and delaying the rescue process. Some were hysterical, some were still hopeful, and some just gave in to the emotional wreck. But I can see that some were calm, accepting the dreadful news as God’s fate, something that He has arranged, believing that it is Him who created us, and it is to Him that we go back to, despite the time and place. I think that this way of acceptance helps to lighten the burden of living the truth and reality that our loved ones are gone forever. It is by this way that we do not blame each other, because we can never be powerful enough to ask of God’s plans and arrangements. It helps us to start our grieving process instead of creating a war. But I never personally felt this so I can only imagine. If I were one if the family members or friends of the victims, I don’t know which category I would fall into. I’m not quite sure on how I will react. Will I wail hysterically for my loss? Will I just sit there, dumbfounded, thinking about the could-have-beens? Or will I send out my prayers to them, hoping that they didn’t suffer much and asking them to meet me when my time comes? I just don’t know.

I hope this mystery will be solved soon, all the answers and doubts be cleared soon. I hope the black box is discovered soon. Put them at ease. It’s time for us to go back to God and remember our place. No sophisticated technology or hi-tech man-made creations can ever defy God’s power. Always go back to God.

Goodbye my dear..

Bismillah..

I lost my phone today. It was me being negligent. It was totally my fault, I won't deny it. It's been seven hours now, and I still can't seem to let out a curse. I miss my phone. I wailed when I discovered that it was missing. Well, I might be exaggerating. When I noticed it was missing, I still managed to keep my cool and ask the person in charge and all the banglas to help me find it. I still managed to smile and say thank you when their search was to no avail. When they left, the sobbing started, which progressed to weeping and finally wailing. I could say that my phone was everything, everything. If not everyone, at least I tried to keep in touch with at least a friend on a daily basis because I don't want us to fall apart just because of the distance. We shared everything, our photos, our stories, our sobs and our laughters. The phone was my alarm clock, it was my planner, my notepad when the need to scribble something arises, my undercover when I was avoiding someone, it was my companion. Everybody knows that it almost never left my hand, until today. I need to stop thinking and crying over it. I have to accept the fact that I've lost it. I can't believe I could be so emotional over a lost phone. It's just material. But it held a lot of what's in my head, that's why I am so devastated. I have to accept now. I've been thinking of a prayer or a curse for the thief, but I still can't come up with anything just yet, probably never. I have to accept that god is trying to teach me a lesson here. Maybe I shouldn't spend too much time on the phone up to a point where I neglect Him. Or maybe I should actually read the Quran instead of just downloading the application. Or maybe He is testing my patience, see how far I would go and blame everything else. Or maybe He wants me to remember the sins that I have done and come back to Him. Simple thing, just a lost phone. And I couldn't help but feel very guilty towards Him. It is like, I must be drifting too far away that He needs to bring me back to shore by making me realize that it was Him who arranged it to be that way and it must be for a reason. He won't do it simply to see his servant suffer. There must be a reason that thing incident happened. Also, it could have been worse. I could lost the whole bag, with all my money and IC and everything. Or I could maybe be hurt, or even worse, killed. Not that I am being dramatic or anything, but I have to think that it could have been worse. Other people have had worse things. So I shouldn't sit and wail and lament over this for too long. I should start reflecting. And yeah, buy a new phone ;)

By the way, the day started out very well. I was so happy when I woke up today. So last night's dream was not very good, in fact, God is already giving me a signal that something bad is happening. I swear I am not being some over religious psychotic freak or anything, but it's true. But I was still over the moon when I started the day. I had everything planned out perfectly. Go and have a meal that I have longed for so long, then catch a movie that he wanted to watch since forever, then enjoy the breeze and watch the ocean (or whatever it is that you call in Straits Quay) and later on eat some pasembor or rojak and catch the ferry back to the mainland. Such a nice plan. But I still managed to complete some of them. I managed to do the first two plans and the latter. The ferry part was the best. I don't know why. Maybe because I've always loved watching the ocean and I remembered that I used to look for jellyfish there when I was much much younger. I was still captivated and excited when it comes to ferry rides. I guess a little bit of my childhood was still there. See? God doesn't take everything from you. He still leaves a space for you to be thankful about, although you were not His number one servant. 

Cheezay.

I've never really ever written anything about you here, so here it goes. Happy anniversary! I'm not really sure when it started but you called me for the first time on my birthday two years ago the same way you did last night and I can say that the sparks were there. It's just that I wasn't sure at that time so I hesitated. Plus, I just got out of a relationship and I don't want to seem promiscuous by jumping from one guy to another. And at that time, I was sure I could relate to Britney's "Oops I did it again, I played with your heart. Got lost in the game. Oh baby baby. Oops you think I'm in love. That I'm sent from abooooove. I'm not that innocent". But now, every love song is about you. Yes, feel free to puke, even I want to puke right now. Hahah. Thank you for everything. I appreciate this two years that we've shared and I'm looking forward for another half a century of my life, hopefully with you, if God wills. Yesterday was so much fun. I didn't feel the clock stop, it just went on, not giving us enough time to spend with each other. Oh well. There was too much to celebrate yesterday; my first pay, your bonus, my birthday and our anniversary. Thanks for the gifts. I just wanted to test you, whether you wouldn't mind spending for someone who doesn't have any blood relation with you or not. And yes, that's just an excuse, actually I really want that thing hahaha. Thank you dear. I hope we both have a smooth path, which ever one we choose. Hah there! I've lost my muse six years ago and I've found it now. Thank you dear.