You see, last Raya, my grandmother passed away. A few weeks ago, my friend’s father died. A week after that, the father of my sister’s friend died. And today, my friend’s grandfather passed away as well. And they are all happening within this kampung. I have always wondered, what will this place be, say, 20 years from now? Up until now, I would say 80 percent of the people living around here are over 50 years of age. What will happen to this place when everyone is gone? When I say gone, I am not imagining that it will be bombed by Communists (again) or invaded by aliens. It’s just that, the elders will pass away and the young ones sort of fly out of the cocoons, eventually leaving this place that was once known as “home” to come back to during festivals. Well, what will happen next?
Then it occurred to me, what will happen to me if my parents pass away? Will I be able to deal with it? Yesterday I accidentally looked into my Dad's eyes. As I looked into those eyes with the wrinkles and all, I realized that they are not black anymore. Like they used to be. They are now shades of light grey, very light. I am now grasping the throbbing fact that my parents are getting old, and there is nothing I can do to stop it. I simply cannot imagine the day that I will be kissing them goodbye, one last time. Lately my Mom has been jokingly complaining that I am too old to be asking for hugs from her anymore. I just cannot agree with her. You are never too old for hugs. Everyone needs a hug once in a while. For me, I can use them anytime. Plus, she is the only person that I can hug in this world. Who else? Friends won't let me while sisters threaten to kick my ass if I do. But in terms of hugging my Dad, I guess I would have to agree with Mom; I'm too old for that because hugging him would be awkward and pretty inappropriate. But I really really want to! But she let me hug her anyway.
Well the point is, I cannot imagine how my life would be without them. Did they leave this world with content, with wills fulfilled? Or do they still have any unfinished business? Are there any changes in me that they wish to see before they die? Or maybe have I disappoint them in any way when they are alive? And when I am dead too, when all the sins and bad deeds that I have done in this world are being previewed in front of everyone, will they be ashamed of me? Will they drag me to the Heavens with them?
I realized that I can be easily satisfied with simpler things.
And I don’t need a one-week-vacation to a sandy beach in a beautiful island or a stay in a 5-star hotel with free breakfast and lunch just to spend time with my family. I've always enjoyed the trips down memory lane to Baling while Mom and Dad showed us the coffee shop where they had their first date over 30 years ago. And I've always enjoyed the long car rides while listening to those Oldies that Dad loves so much.
I realized that hanging out in a mall, shopping for new clothes and shoes and trying out the Coffee Bean's Banana Chocolate ice blended with your girls is really fun. Shrieking and giggling like typical girls while watching Josh Duhamel (Okay I’ve just Googled his name to make sure that I spelled his name right and there goes his photos, ohmygod he’s so hot!!) in the movie theatre is fun sometimes. But I also love the silly trip we had to the deserted Pasir Salak and I still remember how I was scared that the Menara Condong in Teluk Intan would crash to the ground when we climbed the stairs to the top. Singing at the top of our lungs in the car with the girls is enough to make me happy.
I am also content with eating cendol by the roadside rather than having a candlelight dinner with my boyfriend. Accompanying him while he's having his haircut is fun. Especially when he asked for my opinion on which style he should go for. The barber just smiled while waiting for my answer. I was honoured! (Haha okay perasan) But the next time we went to the barber, he had his head almost bald just to annoy me. Zzz. Yeah, I know that sometimes I ask him for a treat of new clothes and Kenny Rogers and Pizza Hut but at the end of the day, it doesn't really matter. I asked him for a dress and I get a Man U jersey. Thanks! Having him around is enough. Plus the cendol, of course.
And now, after a stressful week of being sick and vomiting and spreading the virus to everyone and Analogue Electronics test, Signals and Systems test, Computational Methods test, Health and Safety test, Analogue Electronics lab with Dr Awan, and the unfinished Microprocessor project, I finally have time to do my laundry and have that 20 minutes bath. After shampooing and conditioning and putting on hair mask and hair serum, I feel like Beyonce.
Oh shut up, a girl can dream, aite?
Have you ever walked into a store and saw THE most gorgeous piece of clothes? Like, a scarf, for example. From the very first time that you set your eyes on it, you knew that you just gotta have it. When you finally do, the moment you buy the top is the moment that you will always remember. The satisfied grin on your face as you walk out of the store and the triumphant face that you wear all day, hoping that people will envy you for having the so-called great scarf when in reality, nobody even cares.
Since then, you wear it all the time, everywhere you go. You love it so much that you wear it with black shirt today, a pink shirt tomorrow, and a white shirt with cardigan the next day. It's like your new favourite thing. The colour fits your eyes, the smooth fabric softly pressed against your face and your head does not look like a watermelon in it. When you take pictures, they come out so great that every profile picture on your Facebook, Blogspot, Twitter, Tumblr and Friendster holds different photos of you with different poses, but the same exact scarf. Secretly, you want all of your friends to see the photos and leave a comment like, “Love the scarf, babe!” or “ Great taste!” or even maybe “I wish I had bought it before you.”. You act all modest and replied, “Oh geezz, thanks!” when in reality, here comes the stupid proud grin again. You even saved THE best looking photo in your cell and set it as wallpaper. You can look at it all day long and it still makes you smile since it makes you look good, it boosts your confidence, and it makes you feel like you’re not that ugly, after all.
Until one day, you took out your laundry from the drier and there it was, your beautiful scarf, beautiful no more, electrostatic and all. I don’t know how to explain this part but when scarves go into the clothes drier, it will come out all sticky with electrostatic. (Wait, “it will come out all sticky with electrostatic”?? Why am I talking like I’m not an engineering student?)You are devastated that it is ruined. Since it is your favourite thing in the world, you still try to make it work. You wear it anyway but it does not look like before. It does not crease nicely at the top part and suddenly your self-esteem falls to freezing point. You become all self conscious and paranoid, feeling ugly and stuff. There goes all the mountain-top confidence and stupid mocking grins of satisfaction.
But you still wear it, while searching for a new replacement. You searched high and low for one that can make you look as good as the former one. You found many, but none topped the ruined scarf. But still, you buy all of them, just to keep your options open. Each day, you keep on buying more and more, creating new looks from time to time. You keep the ruined-electrostatic scarf neatly folded in the closet. That is, until you need more space for the new scarves. Since it is no use for you anymore, you throw it away. You throw the one thing that once made you look so great, with hopes that someday you will find a new one that is more resistant and tough and not so delicate like the old one.
One fine morning, you wake up late and you did not have much time to get all dolled up for class. So you just grab the new shawl that you bought the day before and twist it hurriedly around your head in like, less than a minute. You have a full class from 8 am to 5pm that at the end of the day, you are totally and completely tired. You go into the bathroom to freshen up and there it is, in the mirror; the same face that you used to see not long ago. Your face does not look so bad. That makes you feel good again, despite the all the exhaustions of the day. And there it is; your new favourite.
Learning your lesson from the past experience, you take good care of the new shawl. You handle it with care, full of love, with flowery-smelling fabric softeners and low temperatures for ironing, scared that it will burn and leave a hole in the middle of the clothe, in the heart of it. Here comes your confidence all over again, just this time, it is way wayyyyy better.
One day, you were cleaning out your hardisk since the free space left in your computer is only 1.82GB from 120GB. You went through all your files and folders, searching for useless things to be deleted, until you saw that photo again; the photo that used to be your personal favourite, that used to be your wallpaper, that used to be your profile pictures, with your face smirking and looking all happy and jolly. All the good times and the bad times, all the memories of when you wear the scarf come streaming like a river. You reminisce about how the scarf has been with you all the while. Those were the times when your confidence is sky high. But now, you just smile and tell yourself,
“Those days are over. Now I’ve got a great new one. Although it makes my face look a bit watermelon-y and it does not cover my double chin completely, but it still makes me feel much better. It is like a new look for me. With the new one, I realize that beauty is only skin deep. Physical beauty is superficial. What’s important is that, it makes me FEEL good and that is way better that making me LOOK good. Even though we've been together for more than a year now, crumpled or ironed, I still love you, my new shawl".
I am not THAT shallow to be writing emotionally about shawls and scarves, literally. Zzz
