Emo little b.

I miss writing. Fullstop.

Okay, not actually a fullstop.

I miss writing long worth-reading stuff rather than all my sappy, pathetic sad love stories. Damn you, mood swings. I think I'm having a Premenstrual Syndrome, Period Menstrual Syndrome and Post Menstrual Syndrome. So I guess they all sum up to be Permanent Menstrual Syndrome (still PMS). So people around, bear with me. Maybe that explains why at one time I'm banging my head and screaming along to Korn's songs like,

"Pay the ferryman, pay the fucking driver
Pay the preachers and pay the fucking liars
Pay the bitches they're charging all their dates... stand by
I'm not gonna pay, it's already mine"

and also MCR's songs

and the next thing I know I'm Google-ing "sad and miserable songs". I even have a playlist with songs like:

• The Band Perry - If I die Young
• Jewel - You Were Meant For Me
• Toni Braxton - Another Sad Love Song
• Toni Braxton - Unbreak my Heart
• Destiny's Child - Emotion
• Michael Learns To Rock - 25 Minutes
• Taylor Swift - Teardrops on My Guitar
• Guns n Roses - Don't Cry

One moment I feel like I have a bulletproof heart. A few days later I feel like I have a porcelain heart. Ahh..words are so beautiful. Whatever the hell is wrong with my hormones?

These are a few quotes that I’ve collected from movies, songs and some that suddenly popped in my head when I’m taking a piss or something; during the most unusual times.

Delicate soul, porcelain heart.

Highschool is sweet flings and rough patches that made you, "YOU" today. Blame highschool.

In serious need of speakers and keyboard and wireless adapter for my laptop. What the hell? I'm already using an external mouse, a 500Gb external hardisk, external cooling fan. Looks more like a desktop than a laptop to me.

Flaws.

Coming, ready or not.

Tell the truth and God will save you.

Ain't nobody gonna get the best of me now.

We're all in love tonight.

You only hear the music when your heart began to break.

And when you go, don't come back to me, my love.

Undeserving of your sympathy.

Remember when I wrote our secret message on your table and you replied on mine?

A love that's so demanding.

Kiss me, you animal.

Don't let go.

Don't fuck around.

Hopes and fears.

Are you happy where you are now?

Hide your eyes, I'm gonna shine tonight.

We're all in love tonight.

You can run away with me anytime you want.

A little too personal.

You're back to my "Screened List".

He's a love machine.

I wanted to know some more.

Memories that remain.

I was sick and tired of everything when I called you last night.

This is the last smile that I'll fake for the sake of being with you.

Need a place for my head.

Nurse myself back to sanity.

I swallowed all my pride.

Avoid the cliche.

You're frozen when your heart's not open.

If I could melt your heart, we'd never be apart.

To love you is to be part of you.

Runaway with my heart.

I've got a thing for guys in Baju Melayu. It's my fetish.

I meant all the things that I said.

I'm better off on my own.

I'm living life day by day.

I just wanna live while I'm alive.

My heart is dancing all over the place.

Your lip-glossed smile.

Make me long for your kiss.

Of sweet beginnings and bitter endings.

I miss you like nobody else.

It's been so long since we have talked.

You're racing for tomorrow, not finished with today.

Would we be happier if we went somewhere together?

I think we're gonna be just fine.

I've got my friends, I'm more than okay.

The kind of flawless I wish I could be.

You've been through a lot, just know that heaven awaits you.

Ku cintaimu tak bererti bahawa ku harus memilikimu selamanya.

Kau bawa bersamamu, sebelah hatiku, separuh jiwaku, yang mampu sempurnakan aku.

Aku ada kerna kau telah tercipta.

Degupan jantung kita akan sentiasa seirama.

To hell with stares.

He is the one who puts u into this and He can take u out of this in a blink of an eye. Just know where u went wrong with Him and seek his forgiveness.

kadang2 we make mistakes dgn Dia tp kita xmpk

Dia just put u into this to make u realise

that u still need Him

dont leave Him out

He is always there for u

itu yg Dia nk kita sentiasa ingat

kadang2 we need a reality check

yg hidup kita nie, mcm mana perfect pun kita anggap, itu semua kerja Dia.

Dia leh tarik balik dlm sekelip mata

Dia nk kita sentiasa humble dgn nikmat yg Dia bg pinjam

Dia nk kita ingat semua tu sementara ja

Dia nk kita rasa mcm mana kalau kita di tempat org lain.

Dia nk kita rasa mcm mana kalau kita di tempat org lain.

org lain yg xdak apa2. tp still leh survive

this is life's education

only He can teach

everything yg happen to ur life, gud or bad, adalah sbb diri sendiri. when something happened. look at urself. what went wrong. apa yg hg dah wat

Dia xmarah. cuma nk ingatkan.

dont say things

do it

I hate it when I am one of the girls.

Love is only a feelingggggg.

You are a page in my history.

Your world would be easier if I didn't come back.

That's true. But it wouldn't be my world without you in it.

Love takes time.

Regrets and mistakes, they're memories made.

You know you should but you don't.

Perfection comes in a full package with a ribbon on it.

I'm giving you a full visitation rights to the set of rambunctious twins that live on my ribcage.

Perfection with a little scratch of flaw.

Self-lamenting is so pathetic.

Silly little fights give me the thrill, the feeling of ups and downs.

Here's my hand and my heart, it's yours to take.

Falling from grace.

I'm a curious cat.

After all these years, you still manage to give me those kind of heartbeats.

True romance can't be achieved these days.

Two hearts that beat as one.

Maybe it's not meant to last.

You wanna get in my world, get lost in it.

Know that no matter how many knives we put in each other's backs

that we'll have each other's backs, 'cause we're that lucky.

I thought that I was strong.

Pay the fucking liars that say you can do it alone.

Have you given your best to have the rights to curse everyone for not getting anything back?

It's not helping to know that there's someone worse than you. It makes you feel superior and gloat till you burst with your own pride.

Find me a place where no one else will hear my screams.

Undeserving of your rewards.

It's so easy to crush me.

She's standing on a line between giving up and seeing how much more she can take.

Eventhough you're close to me, you're still so distant.

This love has turned into a staring contest,

the person who can stand the other wins..nothing..coz the game ended.

Go and fuck your own balls.

Don't know how much more we can take.

It would be unfair to stay with something that is no longer there.

I am not as strong as you.

I wish things were different this time.

I think I'll hang on, if you still want me. But if you don't, I guess I'll move on.

Breathe. Live.

"you're mine." Right words, wrong moment.

Two years gone I can't remember.

Just come back when you think it's time.

Your laugh is a song,

your eyes are diamonds.

I'm stuck in the moment.

My heart is open.

You will always be a black star.

Always know that I love you so.

Goodbye, brown eyes.

I've found the best breakup song for us. Damn.

I like your smile, I like your vibe.

Tell me what I want to hear.

Just don't let me down.

All you do is take.

All the thoughts lead back to you.

I think I'll hang on, if you still want me.

I'm here to stay.

A friend knows the song in my heart and sings it to me when my memory fails.

You can kid the world. But not your sister.

In the cookies of life, sisters are the chocolate chips.

Elder sisters never can do younger ones justice!

When mom and dad don't understand, a sister always will.

Gone were the days of hometown glory.

Damn, I'm an emo and disturbed little kid. I love words. Words are beautiful. Okay shut up, don't judge me. Okay lepas ni tak mau tulis emo2 dah :)

Love is all around. Big deal.

I was browsing through my Facebook Newsfeed just now when I noticed one similar thing; many of my friends are posting photos of their boyfriends/girlfriends in their profiles. Okay, so Valentine's Day was two days ago. Big deal. (Sounds jealous, I know. But I'm not, really!! Okay now I just sound defensive.)

Then I saw my childhood friend and her boyfriend, which is also my friend from primary school and I was shocked that they are currently dating. I don't know why I am so excited about this little news. Maybe because I still remember vividly how they used to fight when we were much younger and how that boy used to tease the girl and her ponytail and all, and now they are stuck with each other, like, so sweet! Okay, so the news is not that life changing, but I'm so happy to see them. Maybe it is the fact that the last time I saw them, we were still carefree little teenagers and now we are already independent adults with lots of responsibilities. That guy already grew a mustache. The girl has already started putting on make up, loosened those ponytails and has become a very fine young lady. Me? I wonder how I've changed through the years. Not much, really.

All I'm saying is, it seems that everyone is deeply in love at the moment, so..keep it up..stay together..don't be naughty..whatever.

"We're all in love tonight..."

- MCR-

Guys and their balls

I used to think that a girl complaining about her partner being too busy with football is really clingy. They turn every single, small, minute, tiny little problem to be a huge problem. Like, why the hell would you be mad at him? It’s not like he’s cheating on you or anything. It’s just him and a few other guys playing with balls. Okay that didn’t sound right. Or maybe he and his friends are watching other guys playing with balls on TV. Okay that sounded even worse. Yeah, yeah, the point is, it's guys and football. They are inseparable (well, for most of them). Should be no harm. Right?

That is until they start playing football in the evenings until dusk, and again at nights. Then if they are lucky, they will watch all the matches ranging from midnights till dawn. When this happens, I would like to yell,

"I'm feeling you, girls!! I'm so sorry for calling you 'clingy'. I totallyyyyyyy get you!"

Sigh. I am so typical.

=.='

I heard them say,

"Don't let the public know about your love life. Then you won't have any privacy.".

Wait, what love life?

Jewel

"Not to worry 'cause worry is wasteful

and useless in times like these

I won't be made useless
I won't be idle with despair
I will gather myself around my faith

My heart is small, I know.

But they're not yours, they are my own

But they're not yours, they are my own

I never break it."

In the end only kindness matters.

Inspired by Jewel - Hands.

"Inspired"?? Hah!

Of grey eyes and warm hugs

You see, last Raya, my grandmother passed away. A few weeks ago, my friend’s father died. A week after that, the father of my sister’s friend died. And today, my friend’s grandfather passed away as well. And they are all happening within this kampung. I have always wondered, what will this place be, say, 20 years from now? Up until now, I would say 80 percent of the people living around here are over 50 years of age. What will happen to this place when everyone is gone? When I say gone, I am not imagining that it will be bombed by Communists (again) or invaded by aliens. It’s just that, the elders will pass away and the young ones sort of fly out of the cocoons, eventually leaving this place that was once known as “home” to come back to during festivals. Well, what will happen next?

Then it occurred to me, what will happen to me if my parents pass away? Will I be able to deal with it? Yesterday I accidentally looked into my Dad's eyes. As I looked into those eyes with the wrinkles and all, I realized that they are not black anymore. Like they used to be. They are now shades of light grey, very light. I am now grasping the throbbing fact that my parents are getting old, and there is nothing I can do to stop it. I simply cannot imagine the day that I will be kissing them goodbye, one last time. Lately my Mom has been jokingly complaining that I am too old to be asking for hugs from her anymore. I just cannot agree with her. You are never too old for hugs. Everyone needs a hug once in a while. For me, I can use them anytime. Plus, she is the only person that I can hug in this world. Who else? Friends won't let me while sisters threaten to kick my ass if I do. But in terms of hugging my Dad, I guess I would have to agree with Mom; I'm too old for that because hugging him would be awkward and pretty inappropriate. But I really really want to! But she let me hug her anyway.

Well the point is, I cannot imagine how my life would be without them. Did they leave this world with content, with wills fulfilled? Or do they still have any unfinished business? Are there any changes in me that they wish to see before they die? Or maybe have I disappoint them in any way when they are alive? And when I am dead too, when all the sins and bad deeds that I have done in this world are being previewed in front of everyone, will they be ashamed of me? Will they drag me to the Heavens with them?

Wedding bells? Wait, make it kompang.

All my life, I've lived with this fantasy (one of my many, actually) that someday I will eventually get married and settle down somewhere with my new spouse and start a new family together. Then I've even imagined both of us (and maybe some 'little-me's) going back to my parents' house in Kulim during Hari Raya on the first day and back to my spouse's parents' house (wherever it might be) on the next day. Then maybe someday we will argue about where we should celebrate the first day of Raya; my parents' place or his? (This fantasy is thanks to all the Malay dramas that had been feeding me with lots of imagination since I was five).

But now that I'm turning 21, all those dreams seem to wash away from my head, like everything is faded. I don't think I will be content if I get married. Don't get me wrong. It's not that I don't want to get married at all (Mom, you can breathe now). It's just that, I think I will be very used, very taken advantage of if I get married. You see, being the youngest in the family, I often get bullied by my two sisters and brother. They'd ask me to do things for them. Well, not entirely bad things but enough to make me realize that I'm being used. That is after one of them told me,"Siti..benda-benda ni Chaq ja yang boleh suruh Siti buat. Kalau orang lain suruh, Siti jangan buat tau? They are using you. Only I can do that" with a devilish grin. See how naive I was (still am, actually). That's when I realize that I should learn to say "NO".

So, if I ever get married and the spouse of mine would ask me to fix him a drink, and I would think to myself, "Why'd you have to ask me? Can't you do it yourself?" or maybe when he asks me to iron his shirt I would be all like, "Why do I always have to do the ironing? Is it because I'm a woman? Why you chauvinist little pig!". See? I don't want it to get that personal. Sigh.

And here I am thinking that exes are off-limits.