The drafts

The drafts that I never posted. Now I guess I am.

You have lived with yourself your whole life. For me, it's twenty years. You know how your mind works, you know how you would feel if certain things go the way they do, you know how you would react when stuff happens. And it is utterly impossible for you to explain yourself to someone who does not know you your whole life; even to those who do know you your whole life. It is almost impossible to tell people what you believe your whole life because they will never understand. They do not know that you have been trying to think positive about everything, that you turn every bad things into good ones just to make yourself feel better, secured, stable. They do not know that you cry yourself to sleep, telling yourself that,

"It's okay. You'll do great later. Don't worry, you'll try harder next time. Don't fret, there's always another chance in life and you're sure gonna grab it".

You kept telling yourself those kind of things until you feel just a little bit too safe, because you stopped worrying about things that you should be worrying. Instead, you changed those worries into motivation to keep yourself going. You are tired of telling yourself that everything is going to be okay. You want to hear it from someone else, other than yourself. You want someone to tell you that they believed in you and they know that you can do it. You just want a reassurance to make you feel safe. But some of them do not know that you have been thinking too positively. People do not know that. They do not know that. People around you judge you, telling you that you yourself need to think positively in order to change. They do not know that that is exactly what you have been doing those past years until it brings you to your damnation. People judge you. People tell you things that they do not know. No one knows you better than yourself.

I was in class today, when I got a text from dad,

"Allah yang tentukan kehidupan manusia (kaya, miskin, pemimpin, rakyat biasa, semua makhluk).

Jangan kita hina dan kutuk kerana semuanya Allah yang jadikan. (Az-zukhrif, ayat 32)"

That surely made my day. When all else fails, at least there is always some people who never stopped believing in you.