Saturday, October 9, 2010

I miss you, Dad.
Really do.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Girl-next-door kind of wholesomeness

Have you ever walked into a store and saw THE most gorgeous piece of clothes? Like, a scarf, for example. From the very first time that you set your eyes on it, you knew that you just gotta have it. When you finally do, the moment you buy the top is the moment that you will always remember. The satisfied grin on your face as you walk out of the store and the triumphant face that you wear all day, hoping that people will envy you for having the so-called great scarf when in reality, nobody even cares.

Since then, you wear it all the time, everywhere you go. You love it so much that you wear it with black shirt today, a pink shirt tomorrow, and a white shirt with cardigan the next day. It's like your new favourite thing. The colour fits your eyes, the smooth fabric softly pressed against your face and your head does not look like a watermelon in it. When you take pictures, they come out so great that every profile picture on your Facebook, Blogspot, Twitter, Tumblr and Friendster holds different photos of you with different poses, but the same exact scarf. Secretly, you want all of your friends to see the photos and leave a comment like, “Love the scarf, babe!” or “ Great taste!” or even maybe “I wish I had bought it before you.”. You act all modest and replied, “Oh geezz, thanks!” when in reality, here comes the stupid proud grin again. You even saved THE best looking photo in your cell and set it as wallpaper. You can look at it all day long and it still makes you smile since it makes you look good, it boosts your confidence, and it makes you feel like you’re not that ugly, after all.

Until one day, you took out your laundry from the drier and there it was, your beautiful scarf, beautiful no more, electrostatic and all. I don’t know how to explain this part but when scarves go into the clothes drier, it will come out all sticky with electrostatic. (Wait, “it will come out all sticky with electrostatic”?? Why am I talking like I’m not an engineering student?)You are devastated that it is ruined. Since it is your favourite thing in the world, you still try to make it work. You wear it anyway but it does not look like before. It does not crease nicely at the top part and suddenly your self-esteem falls to freezing point. You become all self conscious and paranoid, feeling ugly and stuff. There goes all the mountain-top confidence and stupid mocking grins of satisfaction.

But you still wear it, while searching for a new replacement. You searched high and low for one that can make you look as good as the former one. You found many, but none topped the ruined scarf. But still, you buy all of them, just to keep your options open. Each day, you keep on buying more and more, creating new looks from time to time. You keep the ruined-electrostatic scarf neatly folded in the closet. That is, until you need more space for the new scarves. Since it is no use for you anymore, you throw it away. You throw the one thing that once made you look so great, with hopes that someday you will find a new one that is more resistant and tough and not so delicate like the old one.

One fine morning, you wake up late and you did not have much time to get all dolled up for class. So you just grab the new shawl that you bought the day before and twist it hurriedly around your head in like, less than a minute. You have a full class from 8 am to 5pm that at the end of the day, you are totally and completely tired. You go into the bathroom to freshen up and there it is, in the mirror; the same face that you used to see not long ago. Your face does not look so bad. That makes you feel good again, despite the all the exhaustions of the day. And there it is; your new favourite.

Learning your lesson from the past experience, you take good care of the new shawl. You handle it with care, full of love, with flowery-smelling fabric softeners and low temperatures for ironing, scared that it will burn and leave a hole in the middle of the clothe, in the heart of it. Here comes your confidence all over again, just this time, it is way wayyyyy better.

One day, you were cleaning out your hardisk since the free space left in your computer is only 1.82GB from 120GB. You went through all your files and folders, searching for useless things to be deleted, until you saw that photo again; the photo that used to be your personal favourite, that used to be your wallpaper, that used to be your profile pictures, with your face smirking and looking all happy and jolly. All the good times and the bad times, all the memories of when you wear the scarf come streaming like a river. You reminisce about how the scarf has been with you all the while. Those were the times when your confidence is sky high. But now, you just smile and tell yourself,

“Those days are over. Now I’ve got a great new one. Although it makes my face look a bit watermelon-y and it does not cover my double chin completely, but it still makes me feel much better. It is like a new look for me. With the new one, I realize that beauty is only skin deep. Physical beauty is superficial. What’s important is that, it makes me FEEL good and that is way better that making me LOOK good. Even though we've been together for more than a year now, crumpled or ironed, I still love you, my new shawl".

I am not THAT shallow to be writing emotionally about shawls and scarves, literally. Zzz

Header image by sabrinaeras @ Flickr