Comfort

People tell me to get out of my comfort zone. Get out of Kedah. There are lots of opportunities to be grabbed, lots of new experience to be gained, lots of people to befriended with. But looking into my parents' eyes, I'd rather miss those opportunities rather than miss the chance to take care of them as they're growing old. I'm sure they've missed some of their own opportunities when I was smaller. Why not return the favour while they're still alive. 

Coffee and cupcakes

Or maybe open a café with freshly-brewed coffee and freshly-baked cookies stashed in a big glass jar. A place like Karen’s Café in One Tree Hill. I’m gonna put on nice music, or maybe make a theme for each day of the week. Friday could be some romantic, lovey dovey songs, Saturday could be the 100 greatest rock songs of the 90’s, and the next day could be all the 80’s or 70’s oldies the goodies, and some other day can be instrumental. I’ll put huge comfy couches by the window, and a piano in the spotlight. And once a week someone can come and play live music for all of us. People can come in for hot coffee and cupcakes, or just a plain homemade biscuit with a glass of milk. And when I have enough profit, I’ll open a dusty old bookstore next door. Although it’s gonna be a new shop, I’ll make sure it’ll be old and dusty. It’s raining when I wrote this so I can’t help but think of warm thoughts.

Panic Attacks

If you ask me what I really want to do in the near future, I want to do a lot of things. I want to get a second degree, I want to learn about medicine. Not the one where I'll be a doctor, but I just love the facts about how our body functions and responds. I don't give a damn about which direction the current flows and I couldn't care less about which signal to be sent to open a valve. I want to know about human body, their psychological behavior  emotions, acts, chemical reactions, blood, brain, everything. Biology still excites me up to this point. I want to learn about the greatest invention ever known; humans. But I want to know them as facts, not to be memorized and spilled over continuous examinations. I want to learn, not memorize. And if I have the time, I want to polish up my English. I want to learn English. Some say, "What's there to learn about English?". Oh there are lots more, my dear. I want my English to be perfect. And with that, I want to write songs. Songs about what I have been through, about what I want but couldn't have. I promise I won't be like Taylor Swift. And I want to write stories, short novels or anything. I want to pursue in something that I enjoy doing, that I have passion in. But of course, my passion doesn't necessarily pay the bills. The thought of having a 9-5 laboring schedule doesn't really amuse me. But then again, who is? But I still need to pay the bills so I guess I might as well get my degree into good use. I'll find a job, somehow. I'll save enough money and hopefully get to send my parents for another pilgrimage. Or maybe all of us. And I'll remember to pay my sisters and brother back for everything they have done for me while I was growing up; money, time, hopefully everything. And I want to get married. Mum, please stop worrying about my hair being too short or why I am buying shirts at the Men's Department and how attracted I am to that Fossil leather watch that is so-called designed for men. I have needs, mum. So I would want to get married someday. And if I do, I hope I won't repeat any bad history by bringing in some lunatic or psychopath into our family. And I hope even if I get married, I'll have enough time and money to spend with my family and friends. And before getting married and being a so-called good wife, I want to be a great daughter to my parents first. I want to cook for them, I want to care for them, and I want them to be proud of me since I can't remember the last time that they did. 

I don't want to dream too big or too far away. But that is practically what I really want in the near future but I don't think I can have them all. For now, I need to focus on graduating and getting a job. Then I can start worrying about paying the loans and buying a new car and maybe a house in the suburbs (and by suburbs I would mean Kulim) and get married and have kids and live happily ever after. Perceptions and expectations  Parents', family's, friends'. Who has the most expensive car? Who lives in a great villa? Who has the most lavish wedding? Which one of us will end up with the most handsome lad or stunning lass? Who has the cutest and most well-behaved babies? 

And now you tell me not to be pressured or stressed in this last few weeks of my university life?

Final straw.

You've only got another one month left. Another four more weeks to go. Don't be yourself. Forget all the sweetness of sleeping for a while. Forget about those movies that are begging to be watched. Forget about all the fun, just for a little while. These four weeks can help make your future if not much, a little bit better than how it looks like right now. Yeah, these four coming weeks won't be a bliss, won't be a 5-star hotel stay. But it'll be worth it if you spend it right. So it might be a bit of a living hell. Make it bearable by spending the last moments with those around you. You've had your 10-day holiday. You've had your chance of literally doing nothing else except sleeping and eating. As they say, YOLO. This is the last time that you'll ever be as young as you are now. Make it worth it. Make it worth every freaking dime that you paid, every single cent. Make it worth it. 


Bismillahirrahmaanirrahim.