Infinite Holidays

After my SPM, people told me that that is the longest holiday that I'll ever have. So I considered whether I should work part-time or start looking for the best university in the country (since Abah forbids anyone of us from studying abroad). I went for an interview for Shell (the petrol station, not the scholarship) but got rejected (darn). So I decided to laze around the house for the next few months that was supposed to be my longest holiday. I had lots of plans during that specific period of time. I wanted to take a writing course, Abah wanted to send me for piano lessons (little did he know that these fingers are so not soft enough for pianos), me and my sister bought a guitar and I vowed to be able to play by the time I got into uni. Hmm..now that I've listed that down, I noticed that nothing was achieved. Loser. So I spent the holidays reading books, and developing my very first blog (that I've deleted), and started chatting around and downloading songs. Wow. Now that I've listed them down, I can see how I've wasted my holidays back then.

And then I went into uni. We've got the occasional 2-months-break at first. Nothing fun was done. I just stayed at home, got online each and every night, read some books and stuff, went out every weekend, and practically lazed around. Then my little niece came into the world and I spent the holidays being her nanny. I loved those kind of holidays. Then we've got that 4-months-holiday. I decided to work. I became a sales girl for a shop selling computers and laptops. I guess I did have my fun. I worked but I got to re-read almost five of the Harry Potter books. And there was my internship, I considered this as a holiday since I was at home and I got to read books! I think I read almost six or seven books during that period of time. I was so happy. 

So now that I've finished my degree, I've got an infinite holiday. Who says your longest holiday was after SPM? This is my longest holiday, because it is infinite. Because I won't know when will it end. So I've arranged for a few activities to be completed. I hope I can complete them all.



1. Re-read the Quran
2. Finish the books that I have waited so long to read
3. Finish up Desperate Housewives, Supernatural, Family Guy, and all those series (okay this will be more than infinite)
4. Learn how to cook
5. Mak wants me to learn how to sew, so..
6. It seems that I'll be home for a long time, so I wanna decorate this room



That's more or less of what I wanna do. Hopefully everything comes true. Aminn. 

Comfort

People tell me to get out of my comfort zone. Get out of Kedah. There are lots of opportunities to be grabbed, lots of new experience to be gained, lots of people to befriended with. But looking into my parents' eyes, I'd rather miss those opportunities rather than miss the chance to take care of them as they're growing old. I'm sure they've missed some of their own opportunities when I was smaller. Why not return the favour while they're still alive. 

Coffee and cupcakes

Or maybe open a café with freshly-brewed coffee and freshly-baked cookies stashed in a big glass jar. A place like Karen’s Café in One Tree Hill. I’m gonna put on nice music, or maybe make a theme for each day of the week. Friday could be some romantic, lovey dovey songs, Saturday could be the 100 greatest rock songs of the 90’s, and the next day could be all the 80’s or 70’s oldies the goodies, and some other day can be instrumental. I’ll put huge comfy couches by the window, and a piano in the spotlight. And once a week someone can come and play live music for all of us. People can come in for hot coffee and cupcakes, or just a plain homemade biscuit with a glass of milk. And when I have enough profit, I’ll open a dusty old bookstore next door. Although it’s gonna be a new shop, I’ll make sure it’ll be old and dusty. It’s raining when I wrote this so I can’t help but think of warm thoughts.

Panic Attacks

If you ask me what I really want to do in the near future, I want to do a lot of things. I want to get a second degree, I want to learn about medicine. Not the one where I'll be a doctor, but I just love the facts about how our body functions and responds. I don't give a damn about which direction the current flows and I couldn't care less about which signal to be sent to open a valve. I want to know about human body, their psychological behavior  emotions, acts, chemical reactions, blood, brain, everything. Biology still excites me up to this point. I want to learn about the greatest invention ever known; humans. But I want to know them as facts, not to be memorized and spilled over continuous examinations. I want to learn, not memorize. And if I have the time, I want to polish up my English. I want to learn English. Some say, "What's there to learn about English?". Oh there are lots more, my dear. I want my English to be perfect. And with that, I want to write songs. Songs about what I have been through, about what I want but couldn't have. I promise I won't be like Taylor Swift. And I want to write stories, short novels or anything. I want to pursue in something that I enjoy doing, that I have passion in. But of course, my passion doesn't necessarily pay the bills. The thought of having a 9-5 laboring schedule doesn't really amuse me. But then again, who is? But I still need to pay the bills so I guess I might as well get my degree into good use. I'll find a job, somehow. I'll save enough money and hopefully get to send my parents for another pilgrimage. Or maybe all of us. And I'll remember to pay my sisters and brother back for everything they have done for me while I was growing up; money, time, hopefully everything. And I want to get married. Mum, please stop worrying about my hair being too short or why I am buying shirts at the Men's Department and how attracted I am to that Fossil leather watch that is so-called designed for men. I have needs, mum. So I would want to get married someday. And if I do, I hope I won't repeat any bad history by bringing in some lunatic or psychopath into our family. And I hope even if I get married, I'll have enough time and money to spend with my family and friends. And before getting married and being a so-called good wife, I want to be a great daughter to my parents first. I want to cook for them, I want to care for them, and I want them to be proud of me since I can't remember the last time that they did. 

I don't want to dream too big or too far away. But that is practically what I really want in the near future but I don't think I can have them all. For now, I need to focus on graduating and getting a job. Then I can start worrying about paying the loans and buying a new car and maybe a house in the suburbs (and by suburbs I would mean Kulim) and get married and have kids and live happily ever after. Perceptions and expectations  Parents', family's, friends'. Who has the most expensive car? Who lives in a great villa? Who has the most lavish wedding? Which one of us will end up with the most handsome lad or stunning lass? Who has the cutest and most well-behaved babies? 

And now you tell me not to be pressured or stressed in this last few weeks of my university life?

Final straw.

You've only got another one month left. Another four more weeks to go. Don't be yourself. Forget all the sweetness of sleeping for a while. Forget about those movies that are begging to be watched. Forget about all the fun, just for a little while. These four weeks can help make your future if not much, a little bit better than how it looks like right now. Yeah, these four coming weeks won't be a bliss, won't be a 5-star hotel stay. But it'll be worth it if you spend it right. So it might be a bit of a living hell. Make it bearable by spending the last moments with those around you. You've had your 10-day holiday. You've had your chance of literally doing nothing else except sleeping and eating. As they say, YOLO. This is the last time that you'll ever be as young as you are now. Make it worth it. Make it worth every freaking dime that you paid, every single cent. Make it worth it. 


Bismillahirrahmaanirrahim.

Stars

I couldn't sleep last night. I just laid there tossing and turning, imagining this and that, until it was 3 am and I imagined something horrifying with long hair and dripping blood was on my table by the open windows and curtains. Okay by that time, I closed my eyes tight and started counting sheep. I think I dozed off around 4 am. I don't know why. I woke up early in the morning but continued sleeping, my energy is not totally replenished yet. I snoozed and snoozed and entered different kinds of dreams but with the same characters; my mom and dad and sisters and brother. After almost twelve hours of waking up, of course I remember nothing from the dream. But it was all the same plot, more or less the same. I fully woke up at 11.45 am, with a dear longing of going home. I got up and looked at the pillows on the unmade bed, the washed clothes in the basket, the mess on the table, the Final Year Project waiting for any hint of progress. I'm in no cheerful mood today. Went for lunch, got back for class 10 minutes late, went for Plant Process Control Systems lab and did the experiment for almost four hours. At the end of the day, we were exhausted. But when the lab technologist told us that this is the best result that he has ever seen for years, all the exhaustion seems to disappear. I feel like everything paid off. Although we did miss our Zohor prayers and felt really bad (will manage our time better next time). When I was climbing up and down the ladders there, I thought to myself, "Hey you over there. Remember the lab that we visited almost five years ago during our Educamp together? Yeah, well I'm in my final semester now and finally I'm using this lab. The lab where we used to share the same oxygen". Hahaha cheezy much? 

Okay this is a denial state. I should be doing my FYP and here I am blabbering about nothing. No no, not nothing. So what I'm saying is, although my day started quite hambar and lemau today, but at the end of the day, God always give you something good to smile about. Who says life is not fair? Then he is not thankful enough. It is fair that sometimes you face hardships and sometimes you'll be filled with happiness. Oh let's not talk about happiness. Let's just say that comfort is a privilege nowadays. At least there are stars in your night sky instead of bombs. So you woke up on the wrong side of the bed? Boo-hoo. Don't have to go around moping all day. 

3 June 2016

It's ironic again, you see, how the person you hold dearest can break your heart into pieces. Watch any sad movies, have a fight with your boyfriend, bicker with friends; those tears will never be the same like the ones that your dearest one cause. In fact, I've never cried because of a fight with the boyfriend, and the last movie that I cried over was  "I Am Sam" which is about a down-syndrome father who is fighting for the custody of his child. Thank you for giving me a new record of crying and sobbing uncontrollably because I simply can't remember the last time I was in that state. And thank you for giving me a short scene of looking out the windows of the train with tears streaming down the face and only the sunlight to dry the glistening tears. Aahhh such a drama scene. This might be a new start of rebellion, a new beginning of alteration. And suddenly the stupid Pink song blabbing on going back to the happy times and whatnot blaring through the speakers. Thank you, thank you. I knew it was too good to be true. Let's fast forward to the big escape in three years time. I'll hold on to that for the time being. InsyaAllah. Amiinn.
Oh and if I'm dead and you somehow found this little blog of mine, you'll know that the posts here are mostly about you. Thank you.