"Must" and "Want"

To-do List

• Internship final presentation
• Internship final report
• 2-week laundry 
• Kemas bilik yang literally like a pig sty
• Lipat kain yang still kat penyidai
• Catch up on the latest HIMYM episodes
• Listen to recently downloaded songs
• Actually play the games in my android phone
• Catch up on the latest news and gossips with friends

I can easily differentiate between the "Must" and the "Want". Certainly unintentional.

Apart

Have you ever been so close to someone that your whole life revolve around that person? You spend most of your time, your life even, with that person. You'll recall your day to him and share every little joke with him. And as time goes by, you move to new environments, with new people around you. You mingle with different people in your life while new ones entered his life. Distance set you apart and time-constraint somehow played its role. It's ridiculous of me to think of the times that we used to spend together. I've got better things now that I've grown up, but he'll always be some of my best experiences and memories. 

I memorize every old songs that we listened to while he would explain every line of the lyrics to me. He would tell me all these different stories in each songs and then we would sing about it.
It's ridiculous of me to feel jealous of the new people in his life. But it's only fair for me since I used to be very close to him. I used to be that new person. And now it's like I'm being replaced. I know, it's silly to feel such way. Very silly, indeed. But I miss him. Now I feel so grown up, so different from the person that I used to be while I was with him. We rarely exchange stories. We've grown apart.

I don't want to spend the remaining time that we have together like this. I want to make sure every moment is filled with happy times instead of shouts or tears. I hope for a better tomorrow. I hope for a happier future together. I hope to set my priorities straight. I hope we'll have more time together in the future, all of us. 
Happy birthday, Abah. I wish you were here, though..

Safe

I'm glad I'm not a loner. I don't know how I'll manage everything on my own. I've read "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" a few years back and I can't help but to agree silently to these study on the battle of sexes. It stated that when problems arise, men tend to keep it to themselves and lock themselves in their own secluded "cave" which is their safe area. They'll ponder and think of their problem until they finally resolve it. That's just how things work between them. Differently for women, we talk about it. We don't usually keep it inside. Instead, we let it out in the open, or to few trusted individuals. That's just how we deal with things. And I couldn't agree more.

I've got an awfully great support system. I've got this group of friends that have been stuck with me for more than four years now, through thick and thin. Despite all the problems, dramas and crisis, we are still standing tall, together. We learn to tolerate, to give and take. We learn about each other's likes and dislikes, strengths and weaknesses. Sometimes we got bored, but we got over it. It's true what those Spice Girls once sang about, "Friendship never ends". It's a cheezay line. We sing along to it, but we never stop to think or relate it to ourselves.

 I must admit, sometimes I got lost. My priorities are a mess. It should have always been chicks before dicks. We will always be sisters who are not blood related. They will always be the soft pillow that will grab me instead of the floor that will make me shattered to pieces. They will always be the spring that will make me bounce back to my feet, anytime, anywhere. I am always safe with them. I know that they will always be there for me. But that's no reason to disregard them. That's no reason to take them for granted. That's no reason to feel safe. No reason at all...

Respect

Respect.

People say it often but never really practice it. We can see that other people is not practicing it, we condemn them, talk as if they are the bad seeds of the world, but we ourselves sometimes overlook this matter. 

This world is made up of individuals, not some copy-paste or moulded human beings. They come with various identities, different perceptions and diverse beliefs. Knowing such fact, you should know how to respect people and their opinions. Sometimes people choose to live the way they live, so who are you to judge and criticize them? You don't know what they are going through, you don't know what they are experiencing, so who are you to judge? You yourself choose to be the way you are. You know people are criticizing you, but you say "To hell with them. I am who I am". So, there it is. You are who you are. They are who they are. Who are you to judge? So you want different things in life. Who are you to say that it is wrong and you are the superior and the right one? Respect other people, for god's sake. So you're a little too confident than other people, who are you to make other people feel small? So yeah I sound touchy-touchy. Well maybe because I didn't get the respect that I should. I don't judge other people when they choose to be the way they want to be. I simply concluded that maybe I don't understand what they are going through, so even if I don't accept it, but who am I to criticize them? Maybe because I've always been the youngest in the family, that's why I always accept what people say, even when I don't agree with them. You gotta agree to disagree sometimes. God. Respect! Simple thing! 

One year later

"Yesterday was not really TGIF for me. I spent 12 hours at work feeling totally lethargic. So after the long hours, I went for a burger with some friends, just to let off some steam. It was so refreshing. Just hanging out with current friends and getting to know new ones. Talking and laughing as if we've known each other for ages. That felt right, just about time. I went home feeling sleepy and took no time to doze away. It was 8 am the next day and I was awakened by the smell of mom's nasi minyak and pesamah daging. It was a nice thing to wake up to. But I continued my beauty sleep. I really woke up, three hours later, to texts, Whatsapps and Gtalks from bestfriends back in Kerteh. They were dated last night. I felt like crap, I've missed them so much but I can't seem to make time. Bad friend. So I replied a little 12 hours too late but I guess everyone was still asleep, or are already out and about.  So I got up, went downstairs and realized that I was more or less home alone. Double crap. All the cars are gone, just mine parked outside. So I grabbed an apple and just sit around in front of the TV, switching channels to channels. In my mind, I have a list of things to do during the weekends. Should I just lay there in front of the TV and savour the leisure time? Or should I go to my sister's place and start downloading every movies and series? Or maybe figure out how to connect her PS2 to her TV and sound system and etc? Too much work. So I went upstairs, contacted a few friends to see who's available. The boyfriend went for kursus kahwin (oh my), friends are not in town, and bestroustroustrousfriends are wayyyy out in some other towns. Too bad. So I guess I'll just went out by myself. Got a quicky shower and got dressed in a haste and drove off to Sunway Carnival. Arrived at 1.30 pm and managed to catch a 2.00 pm movie."

This is a draft in my blogpost that was dated exactly one year ago during my internship. Didn't I post this? Oh how I miss my internship period. I miss all the work and the people there. I miss being a crap for not being in touch with my best friends. I miss everything. So the post above ended with me having a day out all by myself which was very fun. I watched a movie and got a massage. I went to all the stores that I wanted to go to and lookedat all the things I wanted to, not considering what others would feel. It's nice to have time for yourself sometimes. We can pamper and spoil ourselves to our hearts' content! I miss that. I should do it more often. Oh well.

In serious need of girlfriends

Weyy korang...aku rindu :(

I miss us, the girls, everyone. 

Aku rinduuuuuu..besnya hampa semua ada familiar faces kat sana. Belle ada sekin dengan farah. Jah ada nana dengan qilah (weird combination). Mimi ada ida dengan gummy (tetiba).
Yang penting, hampa ada familiar faces! Aku jugak kat sini sorang-sorang. Aku rindu semua orang dok berkumpul kat bilik aku, dengan aktiviti utama : makan! Aku rindu kita sembang-sembang sampai tak ingat dunia. Aku rindu kita keluaq ipoh, tengok wayang, pi mandi pantai, pi makan shabu-shabu, dan segala-galanya! Teringat kita pi main badminton tiap-tiap hari jumaat. Time orang sembahyang jumaat, time tu la kita main badminton macam orang gila sebab tak dak lelaki, kan?? Boleh pi sampai 3 jam jugak la kita main. Gila betoi. Lepas tu sabtu, pi swimming pagi-pagi. Lepas bakaq lemak segala, terus straight pi mamak, makan nasik beriyani. Weyy apa nama mamak tu?? Aku lupaaa!! Aku ingat ameeth dengan salam ja wey. Sobs. Apa mamak yang farah suka sangat sebab tu tempat lepak AY tu?? Vanggey! Hahaha..ok aku lupa nama mamak yang sebelah kfc tu, yang bagi pinjam payung tu. Haih.

Bulan posa ni, lagi la rindu. Teringat kita tak jemu-jemu pi bazar. Tapi last year kita jalan pi Pak Ali kan? Bungkus lauk. Lepas tu bukak posa ramai-ramai dalam bilik, bilik pulak ikut turn. Aahhhh rindu! Lepas tu kita pi masjid semayang terawih sama-sama, lepas tu ada orang tu pijak kain telekung aku sampai nak jatuh tersungkoq. Sobs. Rindu jalan-jalan pi kelas. I miss waking up for class.

I need to see you guys! Banyak benda nak burst! Life at work started out well. Everything is great. Friends, workload. Until something (which I can't identify what) happened and I'm left to be the only girl. The girls here walk in packs, led by a queen bee while the others follow her trail behind. How "Mean Girls". If you can't fit in, then you'll only exchange uncomfortable silences and awkward smiles. So now, I'll fake a smile every now and then to ensure that we're still communicating. I miss us. I miss us so very much. Like, rindu gila laaa!!

And I miss cikoq. (Perlu ka letak gambaq cikoq kat sini?). And watiq. Mostly la. And everyone else. Aku malas nak post kat bimbo-cerdas tapi macam problem ja blog tu. Aku bukak kat phone boleh, tapi kat laptop tak boleh. Oh saya rindu kalian. Sorry korang sebab selalu out of reach. 

Tak nak cakap panjang-panjang. It's not like you guys are reading this old stuff anyway. Just need to let this mushy mushy stuff out of my system. Sobs!

Tiba-tiba ada gambaq cikoq yang gagah perkasa. Hehe

Sweet like chocolate

Food. 
Everything is about food today. I woke up earlier than usual just so I can stop by the nasik lemak stall to buy one. I drove to work while eating nasik lemak on my lap. Now how multitasking is that? I do so because going for breakfast is not fun anymore. Before this, meals at the cafe are the most fun part of the day at work. I get to be with my friends and talk and laugh and listen to them making silly jokes. But now, it's just awkward smiles and uncomfortable silences from different tables. Something happened and I still can't seem to decipher it. So, to avoid anyone from being uncomfortable, I refuse to be seen with them. I'm so sick of people asking what's wrong when even I don't have the answer. So it's better for me to withdraw. So yeah, I'll start this new ritual of driving to work while eating nasik lemak. So far, it's been fun and time-saving. At 11am, my stomach started to growl. I need food. So I escaped to the vending machine, bought an 80cents iced Milo and ate a Gardenia's chocolate-flavoured bread. That ought to replace my lunch. And the result was amazing! I've heard that chocolates can boost your hormones or something and it makes you feel happy. It's true! It's proven! After consuming those chocolate-based food and drink, I was elated. I don't know why. It is certainly not the power of the mind, because it took me quite some time to figure out why I was suddenly so happy. So yeah, belly full, smiling ear to ear, I was happily doing my work. This can be my new ritual as well, since going for lunch is not fun anymore. I might need to copy and paste my statements up there. Then I had mee goreng during tea time, not much of a so-called "tea time". I'm a big fan of mee. Be it mee kari, mee rebus, mee bandung, mee kuah, mee maggi, everything. But I was never a fan of mee goreng. But today's mee goreng was fabulous. I love it. Maybe because I was eating contently and with a very positive mood, I feel everything is positive. Despite the fact that she ignored my "oi" when we met, and the fact that she waited until I left before going at her locker, and not to forget the oh-I-didn't-see-you-there when she is practically inhaling the 0.04% from 4% of carbon dioxide that I've exhaled. We're like, less than 1 metre apart? Honestly, I give up. I  give up in pleasing everyone. It's just utterly impossible. So I'm doomed to have no one to hang out with there, okay fine. Maybe God has other plans for me.Okay I'm not gonna ruin my mood now. The chocolate still has its effect. Till then.

Little Darlings,

Apparently, one of my biggest fears is getting a bad news through the phone. Especially when the call sounds something like,


"Hey, insert-name-here is admitted to the hospital" 
or
"Insert-name-here is involved in an accident". 

Those lines give me mini heart attacks, seriously.

I'm neutral with kids. I'm not too "Awwwhhhh! You're so cute! Muahh muahh", and not so "Ergh! Get away from me! Oh god, would someone shut that kid up?!". (The latter one seems to be more enthusiastic. Hmm). But when these two little rascals who used to run around the house become like this, my heart breaks.

:'(

They are too young to feel pain.
Get well soon, little darlings. Acu will see you soon (HAHA. This doesn't sound like me)
Shit. Watery eyes.
Ok bye.

The lamp post

I looked out my window and saw a lamp post. A specific lamp post. The lamp post where you and I stood under it, you being nervous about your first Professional Communication Skills the next day. So we stood there with you rehearsing in front of me. I was thinking, the next time I'm taking PCS, you need to listen to me ramble about how nervous I am and you need to listen to me practice! Now how can that be possible?

The whiteboard at home.

So there's this one white board at home. I wrote my wishlist for my 22nd birthday. I was eyeing this Fossil watch which costs more than half of my pay. So I saved some of my second pay and hoped to buy it for myself the coming month. Unfortunately, my phone was broken just that time so I HAD to get a new one :)

Honestly, I was hoping that I would actually get only one out of this wishlist. Long story short, thanks to my superb support system cum family, I get everything I wanted. Not exactly everything, but more or less the same. I've got a phone as a birthday present from my sister and I gave her the money that I saved to buy the watch. As an exchange, I used the money Mom and Dad gave for my birthday to buy this one cheaper and fancy watch, just to cross it from my list. Two weeks later, I got this cute short haircut, just as a mark of the new me in this new year. And the thing that I was really surprised about was when Dad decided to let me drive this semester. I thought he was still shaken from the last accident. It's okay, I will try not to betray your trust, Dad. Well, at least not so much :)

I've seen most students here lamenting about their last four months being nothing but total boredom and waste of time. How can that be? I actually enjoyed my four months holiday. I learned to appreciate the simple things in life and relax in the company of your beloveds. Yeah I didn't get to have a vacation to Disneyland or visit the most tranquil place in the universe or the most crystal-clear beach on earth. But once you are surrounded with the people you love, spending time together doing nothing is already more than worth it.

I love my support system.

I should have taken up Accountancy

I went to the bank earlier today to change my ATM card into a debit card (lepas ni boleh la shopping macam guna kad kredit. Swipe swipe ja. Lepas tu tandatangan) and to increase my withdrawal limit from RM3000 to RM5000 (wide grin). I was standing at the counter, waiting for my turn. Next to me was a guy, it was his turn. So there I was, standing, lost in thought (padahal mengelamun), thinking how my life would have been a lot more different if I have studied Accountancy instead. When the guy had finished his business, he turned to me and said "Dik..", while passing a little piece of paper over the counter, and then he disappeared. I glanced and saw a series of phone number written on the paper. I didn't know what to do, so I kept my cool, acted as if nothing happened and I never touched that paper. First, I wasn't interested. I was just shocked because that was a first experience of some random guy passing his phone number to me. Second, I was scared that the paper was contaminated, let's say, with ubat guna-guna or worse, Anthrax. I know it's utterly impossible but it crossed my mind. So I just dealt with my business, and left. I never really knew how he looked like, because I never really paid any attention to him. Now I regretted for not taking the paper along with me. I should have taken the paper and passed it to my dad who was waiting not far from me. That ought to teach that guy a lesson. Hahahaha.

Come to think of it, what do these guys expect girls to do? Call the number and said "Hey, I la yang kat counter tadi" ? Please do enlighten me. And the other day, someone I knew was driving in a car. There were four ladies in the car and these two guys were following them on a motorbike. Once the motorbike was next to the car (both vehicles were on the move), the passenger took out his penis and flashed it to the ladies in the car. What the hell? I mean, what do they expect from the ladies? Stop the car and give him a blowjob? Okay sorry, but I just don't get it. Or maybe it's their pleasure, showing off what they have. Don't make me sound like a sexist. I just, I don't understand. I can't see what they get from this.

But hey, thanks. I was grinning all the way back. Today I feel pretty. Hahahahahaha.