The bathroom set

The thing about sharing a bathroom with two toddlers is, there are balloons in the bathroom, pampers scattered on the cabinet, and not to forget a few colourful balls, Legos shaped like a robot and those strawberry/orange-flavoured toothpaste that you're dying to try.

I'm sure gonna miss those little brats when this holiday ends :(

The value of

So I guess the conclusion is, be thankful with what you have in your life. Stop complaining because there are people who are less fortunate than us. If you're sick from flu or mild fever, there's someone in other parts of the world who is dying from AIDS. If you think that you don't have enough money to buy a new phone, there's a mother who worries about getting enough food on the table for her children. If you complain that you are bored during the four-months holiday with nothing to do, there's some cancer patient who has another four months to survive.

And when something bad happens to us, we should reflect it on ourselves. For example, when I got into an accident the other day, I guess Allah is trying to show me something. Maybe He wants to warn me of something bad that I've done. Maybe he wants me to improve. Maybe he wants to punish me for something I did. I don't know. That's what I have to figure out.

Another example, when you're really mad at someone, just relax and think again. Why are you mad at that person? What went wrong? After that, try and recall, have you done anything wrong? Maybe that person is wrong, or maybe you are wrong too. Maybe you've done something bad that make that person do what he did. I think I may have overlooked a few things sometimes. I know, I'm not always right all the time. I may have done things that make other people mad without me realizing it. This is a also a reminder for me, if one day I forgot these things.

I'm babbling. Okay. Dear future me, please be thankful.

The Ex (Ahh bosan tak dak topik lain. Lame. Lame)

I’m bored. I want to write. And the only time that I can write is when I write about you. It seems that you are my inspiration. Hah. Cheesy much? So here I am, writing about what I have been holding back for so long. The taboo topic, well not so taboo, but who cares, right? If you are the only topic that I can write about at the moment, so be it. So here’s the title : THE EX. Haha. So for anyone who’s not interested (Chaq, if you’re reading this, please stop. Haha), please please leave now because this is going to be one hell of a sappy post. I know my friends are tired of listening about you, I’m sure they are. I tell them everything about you as if they’ve met you. I was obsessed with you, WAS. Now I’m just reminiscing the good old times, without tears in my eyes or a heavy heart, really.

There are too many coincidences, too many resemblances, too many memories that bring me back to you. You know, after almost three years, I thought I would have forgotten about you COMPLETELY by now but you are still stuck in my head. Why oh why? I guess you gave me that first experience that I think most girls long for. I mean, imagine this. She is the new kid in school, and this quite-good-looking guy is interested in her and all her other friends are telling her “He likes you!” and suddenly he approaches her, wanting to know her better. And what makes it more interesting is the fact that it is forbidden (because of the rules and regulations; boys and girls can never have any “special” relationship). And the best part is he plays the guitar! Who wouldn’t want this experience? Oh come on. I was in my sweet sixteen phase. People say that Form 4 is not a honeymoon year but for me, oh hell yeah it was. I was a teenage queen. I was on my honeymoon. I was learning the so-called love that people always talk about, the feeling that makes you forget everything else.

I remember people telling me that you were fond of me, but I was skeptical. No way would I trust the rumours. I was just a nerd, with her glasses and sneakers on, but you were this quarterback (okay not actually a quarterback. But someone who plays the only famous sports in the school :rugby) with this handsome face and a guitar, okay I sound like one of those Taylor Swift’s songs. But hey, it was too good to be true. And there you were, getting to know me better from time to time. And I still remember the first time I talked to you. It wasn’t even a real conversation. It was only a less than a minute of changing words and smiles. We were in the same class, the same homeroom, in fact. I remember when I was really sick and we had that big test coming up. I begged at the teacher for me to be excused from the test because I was really weak at the moment, but he refused. So there I was in that special room where sick people answer their papers. My head was heavy and it was practically on the table with my eyes shut. When I opened them, I saw your worried face staring at me through the windows. Thank god, I didn’t do so badly in the test. See what I meant when I say that you were my inspiration?

And I remember all those late night phone calls, where you would stand for hours at the phone booth. You knew that I liked cats and one time, you caught one and asked it to meow for me over the phone and you were practically talking to the cat. I don’t know how to explain it but I thought it was cute. And there was this one time when you performed on stage and you played the guitar beautifully. I was staring at you, mesmerized. After a while, I realized that a few girls turned and looked at me jealously. Do you know how proud I was at that time? I had you.

We thought we could keep our relationship as a secret. But how can we do that when everytime you entered the class, you would find my gaze and smile at me. The whole class could see that. Of course they got suspicious. And I love those times when you wrote me messages on my desk, and I would go to class early the next morning just to reply them on your desk. And that one time when I opened my locker and saw a teddy bear from you. How sweet is that? It is cheesy but it is one of those things that we go through as teenagers in love and I really appreciate it. Thanks

And don’t forget all those VoiceSMS that we sent to each other. The numerous times where you would play on your guitar and sang to me. I still can’t believe how you could fall for me. At first I thought it was just a bet that you made with your friends, but you seemed so true. You know, when we were together, I dreamt of you every night. And I mean, every night. See how happy I was when I was with you?

And I remembered when we sat for SPM. I took an extra paper and you didn't. It was quite tough actually. When it ended, I was getting out of the exam hall when I saw you running towards me, panting. I was actually surprised to see you there. I honestly thought you were chased by a dog, seriously. It turned out you just came to ask me “How was the paper?” Now how sweet is that?

And there was this one time that you insisted that I meet your mother. I was really shy at that moment. If I was a bit fairer, I would blush like crazy. There I was, feeling small in my chair, smiling nervously, didn’t know what to say to your mother. And you were across the table, grinning and didn’t even help to make any conversation! You just said to your mother, “Ni la dia”. The next day, you met my parents. My Dad put on his fierce face but there you were, trying to make conversations with him. If you want to know, all my male friends are scared of my Dad. So why aren’t you? I was really proud of you at that moment. You met him in front of all our friends. Bet they didn’t think we would go that far, huh?

When we broke up, I lost my senses. My emotions were unstable. I cut the shawl that you gave me during Raya and the pink teddy bear that I used to love. I packed them in a plastic bag and threw it away the next morning. My friends thought I was a psycho for doing such a thing. Come to think of it, it was quite scary. See how you changed me? Hah.

You know, every once in a while, a car with your three-lettered-name as the plate number will pass by in front of me, or maybe someone mentioned your name and every memories of us come streaming back again. I got myself someone to replace you but I ended up comparing you guys. You are like this prince charming, fairytale-like with all the sweetness and he’s this down to earth guy who doesn’t really want me for me, I think.

I hate the fact that we used to go out on dates. I mean, now I can’t go back to those places anymore without picturing us there. I hate Megamall Penang the most because it holds a lot of our memories. There was this one time where we took pictures together in the photo booth and we looked good. Haha. I still have those pictures stashed in a box, you know. Just as a prove of the one that got away. I remember when we went to Queensbay. We were looking for new shirts for you. You were going to start your semester somewhere and I was going to some other place. We bought out promise ring with a butterfly on it. I lost the ring when I lost my pencil case after we broke up. I guess it was meant to be lost, huh?

I moved to a new place last year. And on my way there from Ipoh, I’ll surely pass by this huge billboard with your college advertisement on it and everytime I saw that, I sure feel like shooting it down. And once, I was in the car and I saw your college bus. What was that all about? And I still see your college bus all around Kulim now. My god.

Speaking of dreams, I had this one dream last October. You came to me with your huge toothy grin that I was once crazy about, you sat next to me and asked me about my new life. We talked about the new people in our lives and how we were coping with everything. I thought that dream was a way of fate telling me that I am over you. But things got fuzzier after that. I went to class, longing that you were there with me. I imagined how life would be if you had gone to UTP with me. You got the offer. Same course. Why oh why didn’t you come? I looked around and my heart skipped a beat when I saw your face, then realized that it wasn’t you. There are many people who look like you there, you know? You are everywhere I turn. The guy who works in the library, this one senior who is now out of UTP, this one junior who is my friend’s boyfriend, this one guy who sells apam balik at the night market (I actually bought apam balik from him everytime I go there), the guy in my drama team. And many more, actually.

Well this is an improvement. You see, I love writing. I think you know that. You even asked me to write the lyrics for the song that you created. Why the hell did I turn that down? As I was saying, I love writing, so much. I always have this bits and pieces of sentences in my head but I can never fit them all together into a story. The only time when I can write non-stop is when I’m writing about you. It’s all like high school again. I can write contently. But after we broke up, every time I write about you, tears will roll down my cheeks like rain. But now, I didn’t feel a thing. Well, not sentimental, at least. I’m like, at ease.

You know, the last two years, I think I was still crazy about you. I stalked you here and there. I even registered for a Myspace account just to stalk you and I was so happy when you responded, well I was an anonymous. But you never added me as your friend in Facebook and I was like, okay. I guess it’s for the best anyway. But I still stalk you and when I saw that you have this one girl in your life, I thought I was gonna freak out. But I didn’t. In fact, I stopped stalking you, well for a while, that is. At least, I know that you’ve moved on. In fact, I think you’ve moved on much earlier than me even though I found a new one about 4 months after the ugly break up. I don’t know..

My friend dedicated a Korean song to me. Time To Love by T-ara and Supernova or something. She said that the lyrics are so much like our story.

Good person, you're my first love

The person who taught me love

Never forget you

I remember you

I remember only you

Maybe I'll see you, so I wear the clothes you bought me

Cut my hair short the way you liked it

To walk the road I walked with you

I walk around the long way, thinking maybe you'll be there

I kept my old phone number

Maybe you'll try to find me again, my house still the same

In my mini-hompy, the songs we used to listen together

Maybe you'll see me, maybe you'll come back

We didn't forget each other yet

We still want each other

We are still loving

Going separate ways

Actually, I want to see you

I miss you like crazy

I wait for you forever

In the end, I wait for you

I stop to wonder

I'm going around in circles

Good person, you're my first love

The person who taught me love

Never forget you

I remember you

I remember only you

Yo, maybe I'll see you

Maybe your heart will shake at that road

Worrying that my heart will become weak

Worrying that you'll see my bone-skinny state

I avoided that road I walked with you

I walked the long way, thinking you'd be there

I changed my phone number already

I moved houses, thinking I'll think of you

But still unspeakable words leak from my mouth

Maybe I'll see you, maybe you'll come back

We didn't forget yet

We still want each other

We are still loving

Going separate ways

Truthfully, I want to see you

I miss you like crazy

I wait for you forever

In the end, I wait for you

I stop to wonder

I'm going around in circles

Good person, you're my first love

The person who taught me love

Never forget you

I remember you

I remember only you

"Let's start again"

I want to say to you

I can't see you nor hear you

but I'm still holding on to you

Getting soaked by the pouring rain

I go to the place where we first met

I feel so pathetic

The warm place is still there in my heart

Can you endure any more?

Then I'll endure a little more

But it takes some effort, I loved you too much

I tried my best, but it's impossible

Maybe I'll see you by coincidence

Maybe you'll see me

I wipe my tears, looking at myself in the mirror

Maybe you'll come back

You know, it’s true. I was cleaning my room the other day and I saw that Gundam that you gave me. It is gathering dusts now. It was so sweet you know? You loved those Gundams and you bought me one and asked me to assemble it myself. I did it in an hour I guess. I’ve never been a fan of robots but I think that was very sweet of you, to share something you like with me. Then I took it off the shelf, and put it in the store. I’m getting rid of things that remind me of you. At least I’m keeping them in a crate and maybe someday I’ll give them back to you.

Next! Yeah I haven’t changed my phone number, you know. In case of emergencies (now tell me, what would that be?), you would know where to find me. But sadly, I was once so wrecked up after going back to our high school and meeting our old friends and seeing all those places that remind me of you, I was haunted by our memories together so I tracked you down and sent you a text message and all I get was, “Who’s this?” from you. I was like, “Damn”. You didn’t even remember my number and here I am thinking that someday, maybe someday, you would come and find me. Oh well. Dream on.

When you were still in Malaysia, I went to this shopping mall with dreaded heart, thinking that this is the place where I last saw you, the place where I knew that you were leaving me forever. Then I saw your friends (thanks to my stalking experience, I know that they are your friends when neither of them recognizes me) walking around and I was practically hiding to see if you were there also. I didn’t know what I wanted at that time, whether to bump into you, or see you from afar or maybe run and hide or something. Thank god, you were not there so I never really had to make that decision. I went to my brother’s wedding in a place near your house, wishing that somehow, somehow, you are related to my sister-in-law’s family and you would be there too, but you weren’t.

If we talk about songs, damn, there are so many songs that remind me of you. Those songs are saved in a playlist where I really really need a sane mind and stable emotion just to look at those playlist, let alone listen to them. And they are good songs! I talked to my friends about you all the time. It is as if they already know you, as if they’ve already met you. They know all our songs and we would sing together in the car sometimes, just to cheer me up, when deep down sometimes the wound is bleeding again.

Then you requested to be my friend in Facebook, after more than two years of silence, I was shocked. Really shocked. I told my friend, the person who was responsible for getting us together three years ago. And she told me that she was the one who asked you to add me as a friend. I guess she got us back together. But as friends, not more than that. I don’t mind. I don’t believe in friendship between exes anyway. It won’t work. So up until now, we just keep to ourselves and I’m quite okay with it.

Well, that was then. This is now. Now, I don’t long for you anymore. Just a few flashbacks from time to time, that’s all. Just a reminder of something that I used to go through. I’ve had my rebound and now I just want to focus on my life. No more douche bags. You know, I never really blamed you for our break up. It wasn’t really your fault. It was me, really. I was greedy, too excited with my new world. You’re a good guy. I am still surprised that I am not freaking out now that you have a new person in your life. I look at your pictures with her but I didn’t feel so bad. I thought I would feel like I want to die, but I didn’t. I guess I wasn’t that psycho, huh? Haha. So if you ever find this little piece of note (little?), I wish you well. Don’t worry, I don’t wish to be with you anymore, though I sure sound like I would. Heh. I’m much more sane now. You are just one of the people that I meet in my long journey called life. Thanks for adding rainbows and stars and a little bit of rain in the picture. If it is possible, I would like to meet you one day in the future, dear doctor.

Dengan ini, saya tujukan lagu Adele - Someone Like You untuk anda. Hahaha okay okay kidding. Tapi takpa, copy paste jugak :D

"Someone Like You"

I heard that you're settled down
That you found a girl and you're married now.
I heard that your dreams came true.
Guess she gave you things I didn't give to you.

Old friend, why are you so shy?
Ain't like you to hold back or hide from the light.

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me it isn't over.

Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don't forget me, I beg
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead,
Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead,"
Yeah.

You know how the time flies
Only yesterday was the time of our lives
We were born and raised
In a summer haze
Bound by the surprise of our glory days

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me it isn't over.

Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don't forget me, I beg
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead."

Nothing compares
No worries or cares
Regrets and mistakes
They are memories made.
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?

Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you
Don't forget me, I beg
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead."

Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don't forget me, I beg
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead,
Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead.

You never know what you got till it's gone

I have a lot to write about but I don't have the time and by the time that I have the time, I have forgotten completely about the perfect sentences that was formed in my head when I didn't have the time earlier. Okay I'm babbling.

The thing is, I miss my Maktok. She passed away more than a year now. When it was about one year after her death, I started to have dreams about her, gruesome ones. Ones that I couldn't bear to share with my mom. One of them is, she was hanging rope-less facing the ceiling, in the same jubah that she used to wear, with a spear through her torso. And I was staring up, looking at this..this..incident.

Now, I drive past her house everyday. Sometimes I regretted for not calling her more often when she was alive, or visiting her more frequently.

There was this one time, Tun Dr Mahathir came for an event in UTP. He looked so much like my grandmother that I called her right after the event. I missed her at that time. And she sounded so happy when I called her. Why oh why didn't I call her more often after that? It's true, huh? You never know what you got till it's gone. I'm trying not to regret all these things. Maybe it's for the better. Maybe if she is still alive, she'll be in more pain and sufferings. Despite all the drama and scenes in the family, I think when someone passed away, it's better to think of the good memories rather than the bad ones. Grudges will get you nowhere anyway.

Make you go la la la

I have this weird condition of having a perfect song describing my current situation subconsciously. How do I explain this?

Okay for example, I had a bad wake up call today. My niece was crying all morning (nampak sangat tidoq balik lepas subuh), interrupting my beauty sleep. So today I got out of bed groggily with a not-so-good mood. Even after my shower, I still looked like I'm fresh from bed. I was getting dressed for work when I realized that I was singing along to Usher's "DJ Got Us Falling In Love" and I was singing the line, "I feel like a zombie coming back to life, back back to life". Which was exactly how I felt.

Then, the other day. I was driving to work, listening to Yuna's "Greek Goddess". I was singing along to the lyrics, "Your boyfriend's a rockstar, driving a convertible". In a split second, (and no, I am not exaggerating), a convertible car passed by. I mean, how often do you see a convertible drive past you in Kulim? Come on!

Then, last two days, I was listening to Katy Perry's "The One That Got Away" while Google-ing "sad songs that make you want to die" (this is for my sister. See how depressed we are? I mean, she is.). As I went through the lists of songs, I came across the name Johnny Cash. Apparently he sang one of the saddest songs on earth. And at the same time, I was singing along to the line "I was dreaming you were my Johnny Cash" of Katy's song. Like, what the hell?? This is getting freaky! I have never ever heard of that name before and suddenly this serendipity is streaming like a river (okay what kind of simile is this? Okay is it even a simile? Okay what the hell).

It is fun sometimes, to have a song that suits my current mood. And I am able to do that without realizing it. But that got me thinking. When can I recite a Surah or Hadith that suits my current situation? Hmm.

Oh and as I got out of the car today, Taylor Swift's "Two Is Better Than One" was blaring on the speakers of the parking lot. Damn.

The list

I need to set a goal. Well, maybe goals. It's four months, man. Can't waste them away just like that. Okay let's see.

1. Re-read the whole Quran.
2. Give more attention to the hair and the face. (Sorry, I've been busy studying, mind you)
3. Get a job.
4. Re-read every Harry Potter books. (Can't afford to buy a new collection of books.sobs)
5. Re-watch all Harry Potter movies. (And complain about how they are not identical to the books)
6. Decorate the bedroom, make it worth the four months holiday.
7. Organize my Gmail. (I've used up 71% of the capacity. I need to clear some stuff)
8. Organize the stuff in my computer (Songs and movies and photos are saved everywhere! Don't forget the redundant ones)

Okay that's all for now. I'll update the list and try to fulfill all.

Day count : 3

One reunion, done!

When you haven't seen each other for five years or more, all the dark secrets start to pour all over.

Who likes who, old flames start to ignite, rivals laugh together, bestfriends got closer. All the memories, the glory days are fresh like it was yesterday.

One of the question asked to me was, "Camna hang boleh jadi kurus wey? Dulu aku tengok, erm..".

Don't know if I should be offended or flattered. I'm more flattered though. Hee.

:)

What love?

A guy and a girl fell in love with each other. Well, at least the girl thought she did. As usual, they shared everything, opened up every little secrets, showed each other their own little worlds. They left their hearts unguarded; exposed to any warm fuzzy feelings, living in the moment, enjoying the warmth, forgetting about the pounding aches.

To be less typical, they didn't promise much because they said promises are meant to be broken anyway. Little did they know, that hearts are meant to be broken too. After all the kiss-and-tell, the girl was too lost in the moment, she asked the guy about feelings. And he told her that he was confused. He didn't know what that was; the feeling. When the girl asked if it's love, he hesitated, denying, I suppose.

Sounds cliche? Sounds a lot like a Malay drama where the girl gave everything to the guy and finally the guy ditched her after getting what he wants, and now the girl is left empty and broken. Babes, we've watched these kind of things since we were young! We can guess almost everytime, how the story goes even from the very beginning. So why do we have to witness this all around us in real life? Gosh this is so annoying.

Kawan-kawan? Hehe

Kawan sekolah rendah ajak reunion kat Kulim.

Kawan sekolah menengah ajak meronggeng kat KL.

Kawan universiti ajak enjoy kat Genting.

Ahhh..which seat should I take?? (gaya Rebecca Black)

Too bad, I'm guessing none :(

Nak ikuttttt :'(

So long and goodbye

Who says a bad memory will always stay as a bad memory? I was in the kitchen with my sisters one night when I told them that an old flame added me on Facebook recently. So we were reminiscing about the day two years ago when that guy left me pathetically alone in Jusco Perda when he discovered that, okay that's a different story. But the point is, it is the incident where he dumped me. Ouch. And I don't know how my sisters did it, but they managed to turn the supposedly sad, weeping story of my life to be a really funny story where we laughed until we cried and our stomachs hurt. How great is that? Next time I remember about that incident, I'm sure gonna laugh my heart out. Thanks! :D

Penguin Readers :)

So, about this quote. Really? So I guess I should be saying, "Phew! Two down, five to go!"

Too bad I don't really feel like cheering at the moment.

My sister once told me that if I want to post my sappy little emo thingy and I'm not comfortable with everyone (everyone?) reading, go and make one personal and private blog. Well sistah, I've got one Twitter account for swearing and being angry at everything and everyone (private, of course), and one private blog to write all about my happy moments in my relationship, and another private blog to share all those moments when I'm mad at the person in the relationship (don't know how to refer to this person. Gosh, typical!) and another private blog that I looooove so much because I've written quite long (do you remember "Penguin Readers" books that we read during English periods in school? Well, let's say I've written up till Level Three) and I'm sure close friends will know what it is about. And the sad thing is, I forgot the password (even the username) for that latter blog. Well, congrats to myself. Oh and before having this blog, I deleted my blog which I wrote when I was 18 years old. That's Penguin Readers level 5? Congrats again. Okay, listing all these so-called private blogs here won't make it private anymore, huh? Ooohh and you'll surely puke if you check out my Tumblr. One moment it is full with being-in-love, butterflies-in-the-stomach, precious-moments posts and on the next page, it's depressing, i'm-all-alone, boo-hoo posts. Bluergh. Grow up, woman!

Okay, so.. These ramblings do not have anything to do with that "Epic Facts" up there. I don't know how to comment on this so-called fact. I mean, does this work like, cats have nine lives and they can die eight times in order to live the last one? So that means that I need to get my heart broken six freaking-times before I have my happy-ever-after? What the hell? I have a long way to go, man! I've already chopped off a teddy bear's head during the first one and there's another head waiting to be chopped off now. Are you saying that there are more teddy bears on the shelves out there waiting for me? Oh my god. Somebody save me.

I received a complain saying that I should include more graphical materials in this blog, rather than just words. And here I am thinking that nobody reads these stuff. So does this count? If it doesn't, well then boo-hoo.

Emo bear

Allah sends us the most unexpected people to tell us that everything is going to be okay. Beautiful words.

"Take some time

go and have a cry

we are adults now

adults need time to comfort themselves

instead of teenagers that are always trying to mend their hearts

adults let the cut heal with time

letting it to be scars

that will make the heart stronger

bearing the mark of a fallen love

but with good memories."

"Walau sepi macam mana kita

Tuhan tetap ada

kita ja dok lupa dia

tu pon dia still dok ingat kita"

Appreciate

When Adele sang "We could have had it all", I sang along to it, snapping my fingers, tapping my foot. After a while, I realized that there is no such thing as having it all. We can never have everything we want. God gives you some and takes some from you. You gotta lose some to win some. Sometimes you'll be on top and sometimes you'll be down there under the wheels. Sometimes you'll feel like you're on top of the mountain and sometimes you'll feel like the mountain has crumbled on you. We can never have it all. God may give you everything, but gradually. You'll never have everything all at one time. So be thankful. Be really thankful. Stop complaining and start appreciating. If you throw your problems in a pile together with everyone else's, you would want to grab yours back. Your problem is miniature compared to other people in the world. So don't be selfish. Appreciate.

Walls

Two years back,

there were walls around us,

no one can break through to us,

no one can reach us,

we were invincible.

Two years after,

the same walls moved in between us,

we can't break through to each other,

we can't reach each other,

we are vulnerable.

These words popped in my head and never left.

The so-called Nora Elena craze

I've been watching this Nora Elena series for a while and I'm a bit blurred. And I really don't understand this Seth Tan guy.

First, he raped the gal when they were teenagers because he liked her so much. Like, what the hell? What makes him think that just because he likes someone so much,he has the rights to rape anyone? Isn't that common sense? If I had that green light, I would have already raped that boy in kindergarten. Ehem.

Secondly, 10 years later, this Seth Tan guy finally meets the gal that he raped once upon a time ago and she is already engaged to this awesome guy, Eid and are happily waiting for their wedding. Then this Seth Tan guy slowly makes a move on Nora although he already knows that she's engaged to his own staff, his own protege. Seth asks her out for lunch, dinner, with the excuse of,

"Don't worry. I'm Eid's boss. Eid will understand".

What the hell? What makes him think that just because he is someone's boss, he has the privilege to go out with other people's fiancée? So in the end, Eid breaks the engagement due to a few misunderstandings. Nora tu pun satu. Susah sangat la nak explain kat Eid tu yang boss dia dok menggatal flirt sana sini dengan dia, ajak makan dinner lunch segala. Kalau busy sangat si Eid tu asyik kena outstation sampai tak sempat nak bagitahu, send ja la sms. Ala masalah sangat.

Thirdly, after the engagement is cancelled, this Seth Tan guy becomes this bidan terjun hero segala to save Nora's family from shame. So he offered himself to marry Nora, offer la sangat padahal dalam hati seronok. Yeah yeah, so he feels guilty that he raped Nora and now he wants to menebus kesilapan la. Menebus kesilapan dengan menghancurkan hubungan orang lain? Haih aku emo betul lah dengan anasir-anasir yang mengganggu hubungan orang lain ni. What makes him think that just because he's got that handsome face and perfect body, he can propose to someone and expect her to marry him in a few days time?

So is this the guy that every girl is talking about?

"Ooohhh..romantiknya Seth Tan!"

"Gentleman gilerr Seth Tan tuu"

"Seronoknya dapat lelaki macam Seth Tan!"

Banyak lagi aku emo tengok cerita ni. Tapi tak nak la tulis panjang-panjang kan. Cukup la kena cop emo dengan budak kelas.

Serious case of salah guna kuasa Seth ni.

Flowerssssss

I've been crazy over fresh flowers since last semester. We even went to the nursery to look for any roses or orchids or stuff but all they had was bougainvilleas. In the end, I bought a glass vase, put in some rocks in it and stuffed a few plastic flowers. But I've just realized a few months ago that I love fresh flowers! Fresh flowers. And here it is, Nora Elena who loves fresh flowers and buy fresh ones to put on her table everytime they wilt away. If I make a statement that I love fresh flowers now, people would think that I suddenly crave for flowers because of that new hit series. Bluergh. I do love flowers! I've just realized it. Check my Tumblr, posts dated months ago. Z.

Why is it that Tumblr always manage to turn my thoughts into perfect sentences? How awesome is that?

Live. Kiss. Love. Roll.

First of all, let me clarify that this is totally absolutely unintentional. Seriously.

I was getting bored with my same old same old playlist so I started Google-ing for new songs. Well, not literally new, actually. I Googled "top 80's songs" and I've found several lists with songs that are actually familiar to me. Can't believe that I have an old soul. That doesn't even count when I started to sing along with Dad to the Oldies. Gosh. Okay. So I started downloading a few hits back then and this is my latest playlist :

1. Bon Jovi - Living On A Prayer

This song is about a boy and a girl and their tough lives. The girl insists on holding on to what they already have and make the best of it, for the sake of love. Nothing else matters as long as they have each other. However at one point, when the girl is on the verge of giving up and decides to run away, the boy whispers to her, "Baby it's okay, someday".

"

Oh, we're half way there

Oh oh, livin' on a prayer
Take my hand, we'll make it I swear
Oh oh, livin' on a prayer"

2. Kiss The Rain - Billie Myers

First of all, oh my gosh the person who sings this song is a she!

Okay so the song revolves around a boy and a girl who are having a long distance relationship, I suppose. The girl misses the boy and so she calls him up but I guess the boy has changed somehow because the girl is kinda paranoid about hearing a voice of someone else across the line. She also says that the boy sounds different and he doesn't seem to miss her the way she does.

"Keep in mind,

we're under the same sky.

And the nights

as empty for me as for you"

3. Def Leppard - When Love and Hate Collide

This song is about a conflict that this couple is having. This time, it is the girl who seems to change over time. They are arguing all the time, slamming down the phones, but in the end, they don't even know what they are fighting about. The boy is sick of treating each other like it's a war and he still loves the girl and he is making an effort to make everything okay like how they used to be.

"Got the time got a chance gonna make it

Got my hands on your heart gonna take it

All I know I can't fight this flame

You could have a change of heart, if you would only change your mind

Cause I'm crazy 'bout you baby, time after time"

4. Adele - Rolling In The Deep

This last song in my playlist is a new song, certainly not from the 80's. This song tells a story about this girl who has just broken up with a boy and how "..the scars of your love remind me of us.." and how "..they keep me thinking that we almost had it all..". It is not that she still wants him back, but she couldn't help thinking about the things that they could have had if they stayed together in the first place.

"We could have had it all,

(You're gonna wish you never had met me),

Rolling in the deep,

(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep),

You had my heart inside of your hand,

(You're gonna wish you never had met me),

And you played it to the beat,

(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)"

How come my playlist tells a complete love story from when boy meets girl, falls in love, swears to each other that they'll make it through anything, and eventually one of them starts to change and in the end no one seems to see eye to eye anymore and finally break up? What the hell?

Just breathe.

Who says you gotta take a deep breath and let it out slowly when you're having panic attacks? Well they don't work in the real world, at least not for me. Especially those panic attacks that you have when entering the examination hall. It's like, I can literally hear my heart thumping in this ribcage, wanting to be set free, wanting to die. Sitting for the paper this morning got me thinking hard,

What else can I do with this life?

running wild

According to my Introduction to Management notes, one of the ways to overcome effective communication barriers is to;

Constraint Emotions

-Recognize when your emotions are running high. When they are, don't communicate until you have calmed down.

Ain't it obvious?

Somehow I love reading the random broken English that I used regularly or the grammatical errors that I made or the trying-too-hard-to-make-long-and-beautiful sentences.

Gosh it's almost been three years and I still can't find my passion in engineering.

Okay I'm rambling. This doesn't have anything to do with the communication and emotions thingy.

Okay back to screen-capturing the notes with my head.

Okay, fine. Maybe some sleep.

My brown eyes, no more..

The tear-stained face in the mornings..

The orange shirt in the closet..

The sweet-scented lotion of mine..

The little pimples on my face..

The teddy bear peeping from under the blanket..

The spot right out my window..

The silly pink octopus hanging in the car..

The piece of paper with your handwriting in my purse..

The reason you left..

The thought of never seeing those brown eyes again..

The thought of doing this for the best reasons..

The thought of you that never really leaves my head..

Honestly, and definitely not sarcastically,

you're the best.

Thank you..

Beautiful Stranger

It was mid-day with a scorching heat all around. I was trying to keep my cool (though inside, I was sweating like a pig) while clutching to my books and files when our paths crossed.

"Assalamu'alaikum.."

"Wa'alaikummussalam"

I answered as I turned around. There she was, a motherly-figure hurrying towards me. I was puzzled at first when I saw her since my head was way away, somewhere else at that time. She introduced herself and told me that she was waiting for her son who was being interviewed by the Petronas officers at the moment. She wanted to know about the environment and life in this place and how people survive here. From her face, I can tell that she was quite worried for her son who applied for Civil Engineering and if God wills it, he will start his studies next May. She asked me about the concepts of learning here in UTP and why the fees are quite expensive and stuff.

After five minutes of briefing about UTP to her (as if the Vice Chancellor hadn't done enough introduction), she stopped walking and turned to face me. Suddenly, she started to shower me with advices about how life is hard and how we have to choose between the good and the bad. She said that both options are hard to choose, but why do we have to choose to commit sins, get kicked into hell, pay for the bad deeds and then only enter heaven with a mark on our foreheads? Why not do good deeds and get an express ticket to heaven? Why do we have to make hell as a pit stop? That got me thinking, a lot.

Then she talked about how our prayers are very important to us. It is prayers that prevent us from being tempted to do wrong things. Never miss any of the five prayers because they will help us a lot one day. Then she talked about how we should keep our intentions and motives straight in doing anything. We need to study for the right intentions. I can’t remember the order of it - God, parents and we ourselves; because I was too busy holding back tears.

I was amazed by how this stranger can come up to me and remind me of all the things that I have forgotten. It is like she knew how my day was going from bad to worse and this is EXACTLY what I needed at that time.

Isn't it amazing how God arranges our lives so that it will turn out this way? He gives us hardships to test our patience, to test our faith. When the going gets tough, and the tough couldn't get going anymore, He sends an "angel" to guide us back to the right path. He makes us realize that we may have done something wrong somewhere along the way to be getting these tests from Him. Or maybe this is just a sign to show that He still remembers us, although we sometimes forget about Him, but he will always remember us. He will never neglect us.

It is amazing how a stranger can bring a new meaning to your life. May Allah bless her and everyone related to her.

Then Abah sent these mms to me..

Okay these made my day.

Emo little b.

I miss writing. Fullstop.

Okay, not actually a fullstop.

I miss writing long worth-reading stuff rather than all my sappy, pathetic sad love stories. Damn you, mood swings. I think I'm having a Premenstrual Syndrome, Period Menstrual Syndrome and Post Menstrual Syndrome. So I guess they all sum up to be Permanent Menstrual Syndrome (still PMS). So people around, bear with me. Maybe that explains why at one time I'm banging my head and screaming along to Korn's songs like,

"Pay the ferryman, pay the fucking driver
Pay the preachers and pay the fucking liars
Pay the bitches they're charging all their dates... stand by
I'm not gonna pay, it's already mine"

and also MCR's songs

and the next thing I know I'm Google-ing "sad and miserable songs". I even have a playlist with songs like:

• The Band Perry - If I die Young
• Jewel - You Were Meant For Me
• Toni Braxton - Another Sad Love Song
• Toni Braxton - Unbreak my Heart
• Destiny's Child - Emotion
• Michael Learns To Rock - 25 Minutes
• Taylor Swift - Teardrops on My Guitar
• Guns n Roses - Don't Cry

One moment I feel like I have a bulletproof heart. A few days later I feel like I have a porcelain heart. Ahh..words are so beautiful. Whatever the hell is wrong with my hormones?

These are a few quotes that I’ve collected from movies, songs and some that suddenly popped in my head when I’m taking a piss or something; during the most unusual times.

Delicate soul, porcelain heart.

Highschool is sweet flings and rough patches that made you, "YOU" today. Blame highschool.

In serious need of speakers and keyboard and wireless adapter for my laptop. What the hell? I'm already using an external mouse, a 500Gb external hardisk, external cooling fan. Looks more like a desktop than a laptop to me.

Flaws.

Coming, ready or not.

Tell the truth and God will save you.

Ain't nobody gonna get the best of me now.

We're all in love tonight.

You only hear the music when your heart began to break.

And when you go, don't come back to me, my love.

Undeserving of your sympathy.

Remember when I wrote our secret message on your table and you replied on mine?

A love that's so demanding.

Kiss me, you animal.

Don't let go.

Don't fuck around.

Hopes and fears.

Are you happy where you are now?

Hide your eyes, I'm gonna shine tonight.

We're all in love tonight.

You can run away with me anytime you want.

A little too personal.

You're back to my "Screened List".

He's a love machine.

I wanted to know some more.

Memories that remain.

I was sick and tired of everything when I called you last night.

This is the last smile that I'll fake for the sake of being with you.

Need a place for my head.

Nurse myself back to sanity.

I swallowed all my pride.

Avoid the cliche.

You're frozen when your heart's not open.

If I could melt your heart, we'd never be apart.

To love you is to be part of you.

Runaway with my heart.

I've got a thing for guys in Baju Melayu. It's my fetish.

I meant all the things that I said.

I'm better off on my own.

I'm living life day by day.

I just wanna live while I'm alive.

My heart is dancing all over the place.

Your lip-glossed smile.

Make me long for your kiss.

Of sweet beginnings and bitter endings.

I miss you like nobody else.

It's been so long since we have talked.

You're racing for tomorrow, not finished with today.

Would we be happier if we went somewhere together?

I think we're gonna be just fine.

I've got my friends, I'm more than okay.

The kind of flawless I wish I could be.

You've been through a lot, just know that heaven awaits you.

Ku cintaimu tak bererti bahawa ku harus memilikimu selamanya.

Kau bawa bersamamu, sebelah hatiku, separuh jiwaku, yang mampu sempurnakan aku.

Aku ada kerna kau telah tercipta.

Degupan jantung kita akan sentiasa seirama.

To hell with stares.

He is the one who puts u into this and He can take u out of this in a blink of an eye. Just know where u went wrong with Him and seek his forgiveness.

kadang2 we make mistakes dgn Dia tp kita xmpk

Dia just put u into this to make u realise

that u still need Him

dont leave Him out

He is always there for u

itu yg Dia nk kita sentiasa ingat

kadang2 we need a reality check

yg hidup kita nie, mcm mana perfect pun kita anggap, itu semua kerja Dia.

Dia leh tarik balik dlm sekelip mata

Dia nk kita sentiasa humble dgn nikmat yg Dia bg pinjam

Dia nk kita ingat semua tu sementara ja

Dia nk kita rasa mcm mana kalau kita di tempat org lain.

Dia nk kita rasa mcm mana kalau kita di tempat org lain.

org lain yg xdak apa2. tp still leh survive

this is life's education

only He can teach

everything yg happen to ur life, gud or bad, adalah sbb diri sendiri. when something happened. look at urself. what went wrong. apa yg hg dah wat

Dia xmarah. cuma nk ingatkan.

dont say things

do it

I hate it when I am one of the girls.

Love is only a feelingggggg.

You are a page in my history.

Your world would be easier if I didn't come back.

That's true. But it wouldn't be my world without you in it.

Love takes time.

Regrets and mistakes, they're memories made.

You know you should but you don't.

Perfection comes in a full package with a ribbon on it.

I'm giving you a full visitation rights to the set of rambunctious twins that live on my ribcage.

Perfection with a little scratch of flaw.

Self-lamenting is so pathetic.

Silly little fights give me the thrill, the feeling of ups and downs.

Here's my hand and my heart, it's yours to take.

Falling from grace.

I'm a curious cat.

After all these years, you still manage to give me those kind of heartbeats.

True romance can't be achieved these days.

Two hearts that beat as one.

Maybe it's not meant to last.

You wanna get in my world, get lost in it.

Know that no matter how many knives we put in each other's backs

that we'll have each other's backs, 'cause we're that lucky.

I thought that I was strong.

Pay the fucking liars that say you can do it alone.

Have you given your best to have the rights to curse everyone for not getting anything back?

It's not helping to know that there's someone worse than you. It makes you feel superior and gloat till you burst with your own pride.

Find me a place where no one else will hear my screams.

Undeserving of your rewards.

It's so easy to crush me.

She's standing on a line between giving up and seeing how much more she can take.

Eventhough you're close to me, you're still so distant.

This love has turned into a staring contest,

the person who can stand the other wins..nothing..coz the game ended.

Go and fuck your own balls.

Don't know how much more we can take.

It would be unfair to stay with something that is no longer there.

I am not as strong as you.

I wish things were different this time.

I think I'll hang on, if you still want me. But if you don't, I guess I'll move on.

Breathe. Live.

"you're mine." Right words, wrong moment.

Two years gone I can't remember.

Just come back when you think it's time.

Your laugh is a song,

your eyes are diamonds.

I'm stuck in the moment.

My heart is open.

You will always be a black star.

Always know that I love you so.

Goodbye, brown eyes.

I've found the best breakup song for us. Damn.

I like your smile, I like your vibe.

Tell me what I want to hear.

Just don't let me down.

All you do is take.

All the thoughts lead back to you.

I think I'll hang on, if you still want me.

I'm here to stay.

A friend knows the song in my heart and sings it to me when my memory fails.

You can kid the world. But not your sister.

In the cookies of life, sisters are the chocolate chips.

Elder sisters never can do younger ones justice!

When mom and dad don't understand, a sister always will.

Gone were the days of hometown glory.

Damn, I'm an emo and disturbed little kid. I love words. Words are beautiful. Okay shut up, don't judge me. Okay lepas ni tak mau tulis emo2 dah :)