A friend of mine

I've got this one friend that I knew when I was in Form 4. He sits in front of me in class. He's the quiet one, a shy guy. He used to turn around in his seat and asked me to teach him English. Not that I was a great teacher but I was more than glad to help. He'll ask me anytime whenever he's having problems, even during our class dinner. They said that he's from a poor family. His dad is sick and his mum used to send him to the hostel on a kapcai. I didn't remember the exact date but after school, his dad got very sick and died soon after. And I heard that his father died a few days before my friend's interview for an opportunity to study abroad. So he missed the interview and stayed here. A few years later, I heard that he's already in Australis doing Architecture or Interior Design, something like that. Then he got married to a nice-looking girl. I think i wasn't the only one who was shocked. He is the quiet one and yet he is the first in our class to get married. Today, as i am scrolling my timeline, I saw photos of his graduation day in Aussie with his wife by his side. I am so proud of him. Really proud. We never really bonded that long, but I am so proud of him. He's been through a lot. And he's pursuing what he loves most, design. He's always been this great artist in our class. I think he even designed our class t-shirt. I am not really fond of my classmates but he is one of them that I will always remember. The thing that I remembered most is his eagerness to learn and when he used to ask me to check his every essay and sentences and look at him now. He's surviving in a foreign country. If you can study and graduate in a land other than your own, I would say he didn't only survive; he aced it.

That trip.

Honestly, I do not regret one bit for choosing to work near home. I wouldn't trade taking my mum to the hospital with a job that gives me an extra thousand ringgit. I wouldn't.

7.06 PM

It is the one interview that I wasn't too excited about because the company has no Wiki page. It is the one interview that I was late to. And by late, I mean just a mere ten minutes before the interview started. Usually, I'll arrive one hour prior the designated time. I was late because the stupid Waze showed me a different route to a different place which is entirely at the other side of the place I'm actually heading to. Since I can't rely on technology, which is what I've been doing for the past 23 years of my life, I decided to follow my hunch. Seeing that I don't have enough time especially with the heavy traffic, my head was making up devious plans. I was coming up with all sorts of excuses to why I didn't attend the interview. Even worse, I planned to go and have a breakfast somewhere and go back home two hours later, telling my parents how smooth the interview went. But I got there in time. I could say that God led me there because maybe He has something planned for me. Okay stop being so dramatic. Practically, my sister led me there because I panicked and I realized that I ended up in front of her office so I called her for directions and she led me straight to Ibiden. It is the one interview that actually hired me.

I've been to a few interview myself. Sure it's not some big shot companies but the experience is there. I guess you could bluff them, impress them or say whatever during an interview. You shouldn't hold anything back. You could bluff them if you want, as long as you'll work it out later. You can tell them that you have nothing against travelling, even though your parents wouldn't let you work even a little more than 100km from them. You can bullshit all you want, sell yourself, make yourself look good and valuable. If they like your bullshits, they'll hire you. If they don't, then you'll never see their faces again. So? What's the worst that could happen? Alhamdulillah. I'm glad I got this job because of me, myself. Not because someone helped me or recommended me  or arranged an interview or something. I'm glad I got this offer fair and square.

Although I must say, I feel a bit undeserving of this gift from God. I was ashamed to be so lucky and to be given this opportunity at this time. I have to admit that I wasn't His most humble and pious servant but He blessed me anyway. The one thing that I am really afraid of right now is if this is an istidraj. 

"Rasullulah s. a. w. bersabda :”Apabila kamu melihat bahawa Allah Taala memberikan nikmat kepada hambanya yang selalu membuat maksiat(durhaka),ketahuilah bahawa orang itu telah diistidrajkan oleh Allah SWT.”(Diriwayatkan oleh At-Tabrani, Ahmad dan Al-Baihaqi)

Tetapi, manusia yang durhaka dan sering berbuat maksiat yang terkeliru dengan pemikirannya merasakan bahawa nikmat yang telah datang kepadanya adalah kerana Allah berserta dan kasih dengan perbuatan maksiat mereka. Masih ada juga orang ragu-ragu, kerana kalau kita hendak dapat kebahagian di dunia dan akhirat kita mesti ikut jejak langkah Rasullulah saw dan berpegang teguh pada agama Islam."

Nauzubillah.

Good bye new grads!

When I finally work and have my first paycheck, I'm gonna prepare a few envelopes. One is for a new mattress, these springs are killing me! Another is for my skincare coz mom is always saying that I should wear sufficient face cream now so that I'll look younger when I'm her age. Next, maybe I'll indulge a little bit. There'll be an envelope for a new Fossil purse, wow talk about being specific. Well I've got a Jedi to blame for all these expensive taste. Well, maybe not that expensive for someone with a starting salary of RM5000 but it is still expensive for me. Okay I'm being defensive, so shut up. So far, that's all I can think of. After budgeting and deducting all the necessary expenditures and savings, I guess I could spare a few ringgit each month for these envelopes :)

Oh well nothing to do, so yeah.

Good morning! From the longest and the most frustrating traffic jam ever. Urgh! Apparently everyone's trying to catch a ferry to Penang since the bridge is closed for the run blablabla which is where we should be right now blablabla unfortunately we are stuck here blablabla. Oh well.

I-cannot-sum-everything-up-for-a-title

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

I really don't know how to start this post. I don't know where to start, actually. I really don't know how to spill all these emotions because no words will ever be enough to describe how I feel right now. So I'm just gonna spill.

So..I've graduated (yeay!). I saw that some of them were not very excited for this event. They said that it's just a silly ceremony where you go up the stage to receive some fake scroll and smile at the camera. They said "What's with all the fuss?". Let me tell you what the fuss is all about. It's when you've struggled so hard to get to where you are now, it's when you've been succeeding all through your life and suddenly you hit rock bottom and you get back up on your feet and stand again, it's when you're on the verge of giving up and suddenly there's a hint of light. That's what the fuss is all about.

I have been very lucky during my younger days. I was the top student every year since kindergarten up till the end of primary school. In high school, I got into the best school in town and got the chance to compete with the best of the best. I aced all the public examinations during school days by getting straight A's in each and every one of them. Alhamdulillah. I must say that Allah has been very generous to me. He gave me opportunities and success along the way. After high school, I got offered to a few of the best institutions in the country. I have shortlisted Engineering and Medicine for my future, and I got both offers. All I have to do is make a choice. Allah has been very generous indeed. I guess I love Medicine and Biology because it fascinates me more than machines and transistors ever did. But love alone is not enough. I've got to be ready to memorize things in order to ace in Medicine. So I chose a safer choice, which is Engineering (who says it was safe?). So I wasn't really into Physics, but I guess lots of practice can make you understand. That was what I was holding to when I registered myself into Universiti Teknologi Petronas.

I've been to a school where all the smart kids and competitors are Chineses and Indians. I'm not being racist here. I'm just saying that we all know how hardworking they are. And we all know how the Malays are. I thought the competition was very high so I fleed and entered MRSM where majority of the students there are Malays. So the pressure was not that high and I studied like how I used to. Looking back to that day, I wished I didn't leave those competitions. I should have stayed and fought. I could really use the experience because when I entered uni, the competition is much higher. Besides the Chineses and Indians, there are other foreigners who are a lot more competitive compared to the locals.

During the school days, getting an A was easy. Once, I got a B during primary school and my mum was very angry, she chased me around the house. I even cried when I got my first B. When I got into uni, getting an A was incredibly hard. I was so used to getting them easily that I had a hard time adapting. Everything was a struggle. Sure, I have all the great people as friends, but it was not enough to help me cope and grab for a float when I was slowly sinking in. I fell down really hard, and I blame it all on myself. I was down to the point of quitting uni. I wrote some last goodbyes and sent them to my few bestfriends. I drove all the way there to sign the paperwork for me to be a quitter again. I met up with some friends and they made me rethink again. And my family, God knows how much I've shattered their dreams. God knows how much they've been disappointed in me and how they couldn't comprehend what was happening. Some put on their brave faces, some just fell apart, inside. My dearest, you have no idea how I was doing at that time. I was driving alone up there, God knows what I could have done, what I was thinking about. God knows how I was tearing apart, what I have done to them and to myself. That was the lowest point in my life.

I guess some people still believe in me, and a little part of me still thinks that I am not a quitter. So I stayed. I crawled back up. I didn't get back to the peak, but I was safe. That's what makes the convocation mean so much to me. Because it means that I am not a quitter. So I didn't get first class or anything. But I managed to finish the race. And I have all the people who believed in me that day. My precious family, my friends. Everyone had an effect in me. Absolutely everyone. Each one of them have touched my life and gave me a reason to stay and become who I am today. Alhamdulillah. Thank you so much for this.

I want to go to that cemetery!

Here is another book by Audrey Niffenegger. She just likes to meddle with all the forbidden things. You could say that maybe she's out of the box. She used to write about time travelling and now she's writing about death and what happens next.
This book has all sorts of wrong in it. It is more wrong than how some people say that Percy Jackson is misleading to Muslims. You should really read this, little guy. It's not even reincarnation. It's like, you'll never really die. You'll just float around and can move the Ouija board or write with dusts on the piano. Your soul will just linger until I don't know when. I was waiting for revelations of any unfinished business but there was none. I love the chemistry between the twins though. But I wish they'd explain more on the twins' relationship. They are very unique and I'd love to know more about them. And I love the way the author revolved the story around Highgate Cemetery. She made the place of death sound more interesting than eerie. But of course, it is a tourist site after all. If I have the money and time, I would surely go there. And I love the twist between Elspeth and Edie. I have never expected that! Well, maybe I am not much of a spoiler person. I love to read through the pages without any sneak peak of the last page. And I hate it when people give me spoilers on movies that I haven't watched. And I don't like it when people are guessing what will happen next when we're watching movies. Just let it be! Hahah well everyone has their own way of watching so let it be. Anyway, back to the book, towards the end, somehow I managed to anticipate what will happen long before the main character does. I was also waiting for the ghost to turn aggressive and starts haunting people but it never got to that. Although there's a ghost (a few, actually) in this book, but it is certainly not stacked in the horror shelf. And I hate it because it had to end that way. Oh well. Not all books will leave you grinning for days.
Oh well. Off to the next book!

All mushy and snuggled up

The weather is so blankety-friendly that it is so hard to get out of bed. I find myself getting in and out of bed for multiple times today. It has been raining almost all day long and I love every single moment of it. It is so wet and damp and clammy (I know "clammy" is not very suitable to describe it but it just feels like it so what the hell) and I just love being under the covers. Despite all the annoying hormone turbulence, I am in a good mood. So far everything is working out as planned, Alhamdulillah. And I must say that the day started out pretty well, mostly because I had this wonderful dream last night. Well, it wasn't entirely wonderful. In that dream, I broke my heels (I mean, the shoes) which consequently leads to a broken tooth with all that blood and everything. And I was on my way to this one place where everyone needs to be in a capsule or something (probably because I've been seeing a lot of my niece's Kinder Joys) and I didn't get one. So Faizal Hussein (I think I used to have a crush on him when I was younger..and also when he was way younger and much handsome and less skeleton-ish like right now) got into a capsule and I tagged along or something. I managed to arrive at the destination that was supposed to be the last stop of all humankind and so I was safe. But I wasn't happy. So there goes the hormonal attack even in my dreams! I was being a typical woman, feeling down and sad even though I have survived the so-called disaster where everyone needs to escape using the capsule thingy. I wanted to be by myself but I didn't want to be alone. I wanted to talk to someone but I didn't feel like talking. Oh you know, all the shitty mood swings we creatures have. So there I was, walking around, all welled up in self pity, feeling lonely blablabla. And when I turned around, I saw Jason Segel behind me, grinning stupidly just to cheer me up. I don't know why but i really like him and he's not even that handsome or tough. Maybe because I love the chemistry between him and Lily in How I Met Your Mother and how huge he is and how small Lily. So maybe I was relating it to me and someone. Oh by the way, I'll always relate myself to one of the characters when I watch something. I don't know why but it is becoming a habit. Maybe that way, I'll enjoy the movie more. Anywaysss, so here I am, all mushed up all day long thinking about the dream and I'm ransacking my external hard drive for more Jason's movies. With this cold weather, I just want to be all snuggled up under the covers watching a chick flick with Jason in it. Watching a new unwatched movie would mean that I will have to take a risk. So I'm watching something that I've watched before, which is The Five-Year Engagement :D
 Okay that's practically how I can explain about the relationship between the weather and why I am watching this movie again now. Defensive much?

Oh maybe because he's got the same smile and physique of my man :)

Baby, it's cold outside..

One of the best feelings in the world is retreating after a long and tiring day. The bed feels extra comfy as I lay here staring at the ceiling. Especially after taking a hot bath and it starts to rain outside. I can feel the duvet covering every inches of my body Okay it is starting to sound like a cheap romance paperback, like Mills and Boon or those books that my Mom read during her single days. All I'm saying is, it is such a beautiful little bliss. You can find happiness and comfort in little things. Don't make me write down OneD's lyrics here. Enjoy while you still can. So you haven't got a job yet? Live life! This is the chance to stay up at late at night doing whatever you want, sleep in a little bit in the morning, go downstairs and hug your mum anytime you want. Cook for them (yeah, I'm still learning. Shut up, don't judge me), clean the house for them (this reminds me that I need to vacuum the house tomorrow), and just take care of them. Soon you'll be working eight to five and you'll come home late. Chances are you'll be working away from home so you won't get to see your parents very often. Next you'll be moving on to the next chapter in your life, you'll either get married and have your own family, or maybe move to another city to pursue your dreams. Typical, yeah. But it's mostly reality. So, make use of the time you have now. Use this few short months to repay the 23 years that your parents have spent on you. This is mainly a reminder to myself, actually. Coz I'm only human and I tend to forget, and in my case, being senile and all.
Alhamdulillah for this chance.
InsyaAllah it will be of good use.

Note to self:
Read this over and over again when you feel like drifting.

Infinite Holidays

After my SPM, people told me that that is the longest holiday that I'll ever have. So I considered whether I should work part-time or start looking for the best university in the country (since Abah forbids anyone of us from studying abroad). I went for an interview for Shell (the petrol station, not the scholarship) but got rejected (darn). So I decided to laze around the house for the next few months that was supposed to be my longest holiday. I had lots of plans during that specific period of time. I wanted to take a writing course, Abah wanted to send me for piano lessons (little did he know that these fingers are so not soft enough for pianos), me and my sister bought a guitar and I vowed to be able to play by the time I got into uni. Hmm..now that I've listed that down, I noticed that nothing was achieved. Loser. So I spent the holidays reading books, and developing my very first blog (that I've deleted), and started chatting around and downloading songs. Wow. Now that I've listed them down, I can see how I've wasted my holidays back then.

And then I went into uni. We've got the occasional 2-months-break at first. Nothing fun was done. I just stayed at home, got online each and every night, read some books and stuff, went out every weekend, and practically lazed around. Then my little niece came into the world and I spent the holidays being her nanny. I loved those kind of holidays. Then we've got that 4-months-holiday. I decided to work. I became a sales girl for a shop selling computers and laptops. I guess I did have my fun. I worked but I got to re-read almost five of the Harry Potter books. And there was my internship, I considered this as a holiday since I was at home and I got to read books! I think I read almost six or seven books during that period of time. I was so happy. 

So now that I've finished my degree, I've got an infinite holiday. Who says your longest holiday was after SPM? This is my longest holiday, because it is infinite. Because I won't know when will it end. So I've arranged for a few activities to be completed. I hope I can complete them all.



1. Re-read the Quran
2. Finish the books that I have waited so long to read
3. Finish up Desperate Housewives, Supernatural, Family Guy, and all those series (okay this will be more than infinite)
4. Learn how to cook
5. Mak wants me to learn how to sew, so..
6. It seems that I'll be home for a long time, so I wanna decorate this room



That's more or less of what I wanna do. Hopefully everything comes true. Aminn. 

Comfort

People tell me to get out of my comfort zone. Get out of Kedah. There are lots of opportunities to be grabbed, lots of new experience to be gained, lots of people to befriended with. But looking into my parents' eyes, I'd rather miss those opportunities rather than miss the chance to take care of them as they're growing old. I'm sure they've missed some of their own opportunities when I was smaller. Why not return the favour while they're still alive. 

Coffee and cupcakes

Or maybe open a café with freshly-brewed coffee and freshly-baked cookies stashed in a big glass jar. A place like Karen’s Café in One Tree Hill. I’m gonna put on nice music, or maybe make a theme for each day of the week. Friday could be some romantic, lovey dovey songs, Saturday could be the 100 greatest rock songs of the 90’s, and the next day could be all the 80’s or 70’s oldies the goodies, and some other day can be instrumental. I’ll put huge comfy couches by the window, and a piano in the spotlight. And once a week someone can come and play live music for all of us. People can come in for hot coffee and cupcakes, or just a plain homemade biscuit with a glass of milk. And when I have enough profit, I’ll open a dusty old bookstore next door. Although it’s gonna be a new shop, I’ll make sure it’ll be old and dusty. It’s raining when I wrote this so I can’t help but think of warm thoughts.

Panic Attacks

If you ask me what I really want to do in the near future, I want to do a lot of things. I want to get a second degree, I want to learn about medicine. Not the one where I'll be a doctor, but I just love the facts about how our body functions and responds. I don't give a damn about which direction the current flows and I couldn't care less about which signal to be sent to open a valve. I want to know about human body, their psychological behavior  emotions, acts, chemical reactions, blood, brain, everything. Biology still excites me up to this point. I want to learn about the greatest invention ever known; humans. But I want to know them as facts, not to be memorized and spilled over continuous examinations. I want to learn, not memorize. And if I have the time, I want to polish up my English. I want to learn English. Some say, "What's there to learn about English?". Oh there are lots more, my dear. I want my English to be perfect. And with that, I want to write songs. Songs about what I have been through, about what I want but couldn't have. I promise I won't be like Taylor Swift. And I want to write stories, short novels or anything. I want to pursue in something that I enjoy doing, that I have passion in. But of course, my passion doesn't necessarily pay the bills. The thought of having a 9-5 laboring schedule doesn't really amuse me. But then again, who is? But I still need to pay the bills so I guess I might as well get my degree into good use. I'll find a job, somehow. I'll save enough money and hopefully get to send my parents for another pilgrimage. Or maybe all of us. And I'll remember to pay my sisters and brother back for everything they have done for me while I was growing up; money, time, hopefully everything. And I want to get married. Mum, please stop worrying about my hair being too short or why I am buying shirts at the Men's Department and how attracted I am to that Fossil leather watch that is so-called designed for men. I have needs, mum. So I would want to get married someday. And if I do, I hope I won't repeat any bad history by bringing in some lunatic or psychopath into our family. And I hope even if I get married, I'll have enough time and money to spend with my family and friends. And before getting married and being a so-called good wife, I want to be a great daughter to my parents first. I want to cook for them, I want to care for them, and I want them to be proud of me since I can't remember the last time that they did. 

I don't want to dream too big or too far away. But that is practically what I really want in the near future but I don't think I can have them all. For now, I need to focus on graduating and getting a job. Then I can start worrying about paying the loans and buying a new car and maybe a house in the suburbs (and by suburbs I would mean Kulim) and get married and have kids and live happily ever after. Perceptions and expectations  Parents', family's, friends'. Who has the most expensive car? Who lives in a great villa? Who has the most lavish wedding? Which one of us will end up with the most handsome lad or stunning lass? Who has the cutest and most well-behaved babies? 

And now you tell me not to be pressured or stressed in this last few weeks of my university life?

Final straw.

You've only got another one month left. Another four more weeks to go. Don't be yourself. Forget all the sweetness of sleeping for a while. Forget about those movies that are begging to be watched. Forget about all the fun, just for a little while. These four weeks can help make your future if not much, a little bit better than how it looks like right now. Yeah, these four coming weeks won't be a bliss, won't be a 5-star hotel stay. But it'll be worth it if you spend it right. So it might be a bit of a living hell. Make it bearable by spending the last moments with those around you. You've had your 10-day holiday. You've had your chance of literally doing nothing else except sleeping and eating. As they say, YOLO. This is the last time that you'll ever be as young as you are now. Make it worth it. Make it worth every freaking dime that you paid, every single cent. Make it worth it. 


Bismillahirrahmaanirrahim.

Stars

I couldn't sleep last night. I just laid there tossing and turning, imagining this and that, until it was 3 am and I imagined something horrifying with long hair and dripping blood was on my table by the open windows and curtains. Okay by that time, I closed my eyes tight and started counting sheep. I think I dozed off around 4 am. I don't know why. I woke up early in the morning but continued sleeping, my energy is not totally replenished yet. I snoozed and snoozed and entered different kinds of dreams but with the same characters; my mom and dad and sisters and brother. After almost twelve hours of waking up, of course I remember nothing from the dream. But it was all the same plot, more or less the same. I fully woke up at 11.45 am, with a dear longing of going home. I got up and looked at the pillows on the unmade bed, the washed clothes in the basket, the mess on the table, the Final Year Project waiting for any hint of progress. I'm in no cheerful mood today. Went for lunch, got back for class 10 minutes late, went for Plant Process Control Systems lab and did the experiment for almost four hours. At the end of the day, we were exhausted. But when the lab technologist told us that this is the best result that he has ever seen for years, all the exhaustion seems to disappear. I feel like everything paid off. Although we did miss our Zohor prayers and felt really bad (will manage our time better next time). When I was climbing up and down the ladders there, I thought to myself, "Hey you over there. Remember the lab that we visited almost five years ago during our Educamp together? Yeah, well I'm in my final semester now and finally I'm using this lab. The lab where we used to share the same oxygen". Hahaha cheezy much? 

Okay this is a denial state. I should be doing my FYP and here I am blabbering about nothing. No no, not nothing. So what I'm saying is, although my day started quite hambar and lemau today, but at the end of the day, God always give you something good to smile about. Who says life is not fair? Then he is not thankful enough. It is fair that sometimes you face hardships and sometimes you'll be filled with happiness. Oh let's not talk about happiness. Let's just say that comfort is a privilege nowadays. At least there are stars in your night sky instead of bombs. So you woke up on the wrong side of the bed? Boo-hoo. Don't have to go around moping all day. 

3 June 2016

It's ironic again, you see, how the person you hold dearest can break your heart into pieces. Watch any sad movies, have a fight with your boyfriend, bicker with friends; those tears will never be the same like the ones that your dearest one cause. In fact, I've never cried because of a fight with the boyfriend, and the last movie that I cried over was  "I Am Sam" which is about a down-syndrome father who is fighting for the custody of his child. Thank you for giving me a new record of crying and sobbing uncontrollably because I simply can't remember the last time I was in that state. And thank you for giving me a short scene of looking out the windows of the train with tears streaming down the face and only the sunlight to dry the glistening tears. Aahhh such a drama scene. This might be a new start of rebellion, a new beginning of alteration. And suddenly the stupid Pink song blabbing on going back to the happy times and whatnot blaring through the speakers. Thank you, thank you. I knew it was too good to be true. Let's fast forward to the big escape in three years time. I'll hold on to that for the time being. InsyaAllah. Amiinn.
Oh and if I'm dead and you somehow found this little blog of mine, you'll know that the posts here are mostly about you. Thank you.

Act like a girl

It's ironic you see. When you get married, you are suddenly very obedient. You need to follow your husband's orders, you need to get your husband's permission to go out of the house. If not, you will be considered "derhaka" and will be very sinful. Do you realize that you have had this responsibilities back when you are your parents' children? Did you really obey everything that your parents said back then? Did you ask for their permission everytime you're going out? This is just to name a few. Well, I know I didn't. So that makes me a not-so-obedient child to my parents. So why should I be a very-obedient wife to my husband? I'm not against marriage or men or anything. It just occurred to me. If I want to be a good or obedient wife, I need to be an extra extra obedient daughter first, right? I'm sure my parents deserve more than anyone else. I don't know. This post was intended to be one of those I-love-my-parents post because I miss them so much, I look at their photos late at night because I miss them and they promised they would come visit me today but cancelled last night with the excuse of I need to study. So I spent the whole morning sleeping, devastated. I was imagining everything perfectly in my mind, all the hugs and kisses. Well, thank you for nothing. This is me studying, thank you very much. It's 1.20pm and I'm still stuck in the room and I haven't seen anyone else. Plus, a phone call from home, reporting the situations at home, makes me want to crawl back under the covers and shut everything down.